Something I've been thinking about lately:
as a whole, we have constantly compared ourselves to this insane, absolutely INSANE, dream of normalcy that
is anything but normal.
(does anyone know what i even mean?)
we all do it, whether we think about it or not. and the funniest part about it is, the very essence of our idea of "normal" is never normal. "normal" changes for each of our life stages.
when i was five, it was normal for me to want to grow up and be a ballerina. it was NOT normal that i wanted nothing more than to play with fairies (who were absolutely REAL) and eat dog bones and read every book i could get my hands on.
when i was in high school, it was normal (and might i add absolutely debilitating to my self-confidence and personal identity) to want to fit in with everyone. to dream of prom as "the best night of my life." (gag me.) it was NOT normal to not want to be myself so much that i started picking up other people's habits, and pretending that i was actually someone else.
now, people are saying it would be normal if all i wanted to do was live it up, have the "best years of my life" (i keep hearing a lot of that..."the best ____ of your life"...is that "normal"?) and not concern myself with topics, questions, feelings, desires, wants, and beliefs that are too hard, or too big, or too messy. it is NOT normal that these things are exactly what i want to concern myself with. that i am so scared of being ignorant that i don't want to ignore the things that are too big or too hard or too messy because ignoring them would actually drive me crazy, and make me unable to relate to the people who are different, NOT normal. (another of my biggest fears)
Oh no, THIS is not normal. DEFINITELY not normal for a twenty year-old.
it is also NOT normal that i have stopped trying to be everyone else and tried to understand myself, who I am. ( i can hear it in my head, "that is such a big thing to tackle. you have plenty of time to figure that out, when you're older.") it is NOT normal that i have stopped believing in "normal." that i think this fluffy, romanticized, American dream of normality (you know, those things that we're "supposed" to do, the dreams we're "supposed" to have) is actually unreality and a big fat lie that has caused so much personal hurt when we finally realize that we are, and never will live up to, the normalcy that has dictated our lives until that moment. because, let's be real honest here,
nothing
is
normal.
