une vie humaine

Here's a poem I wrote last year in (oddly enough) my french class.  I *ahem* struggled a little bit in this class, but this was the one assignment that I just knew exactly what I wanted to write about and how I would write it.  I really like how it turned out and it's a good descriptor of where I was at in life at that point and time.  I read it recently too and it is just a good reminder to myself that I need to let go of things, loosen up, stop being so hard on myself, so that I can actually live instead of constantly trying to think about, question, and ponder over my life and what is going well or not in it.

Je pense, je médite, je réfléchis,

Les pensées animent constamment mon esprit.

Ainsi est ma vie, je dois penser sans arrêter,

Afin d’apprendre davantage,

Mais à force, je suis épuisée.

Chaque jour je cherche des solutions,

Aux problèmes du monde, de la vie, de la foi,

Et je prends de nouvelles résolutions.

À la fin de la journée, je suis fatiguée

Car cela demande beaucoup d’efforts

De toujours avoir à penser.

Alors, aujourd’hui je dis que c’est assez

J’ai tout juste vingt ans,

Et j’en ai assez d’être fatiguée.

Je vois ma vie qui passe,

Dans le reflet que me renvoie ma tasse.

Je suis encore jeune et il me reste beaucoup à voir

Alors, est-ce tellement important de posséder ces savoirs?

Je pense que non,

En fait, c’est bien mieux

De laisser vagabonder ses pensées,

Et vivre intensément jusqu’à devenir vieux.

Le but de la vie,

C’est d’apprendre et de vivre intensément,

Mais en embarrassant trop son esprit,

On laisse s’enfuir les plus beaux moments.

one very special day(weekend).

After goofing around, we finally sit down on the squeaky sand.  She wraps her arm around my back to support me and I place my cheek in the crook between her neck and her shoulder, just touching her collarbone. (my spot) She asks,

"Why do you like being by the water so much?"

I giggle for a while, because really, who doesn't like being by the water?  Then I realize it's actually a question.  She means it.  I think for a second.

"You know, I think it's because it's so incredibly chaotic.  The constant sound of the waves crashing, and the little white tips on the tops of the waves that just tell you that this water is MOVING.  It's chaotic and I can't control it.  So I let it take my chaos away from me.  Each wave takes my internal chaos and I can be at peace."

oh, the places you'll find...

I'm usually not one of these kinds of blog posters, but I'm going to play around and post whenever and whatever I feel like for now, which might make my blog seem scattered and unorganized (so UNLIKE me).  But I'm going to look at it with the view that I'm eclectic, I'm interested in a lot of different things and I just want to share them with whoever is reading this thing.

I was recently in Chicago and decided to go to an art festival in the Rogers Park neighborhood.  Well, it's pretty clear that I fell in love with that part of the city and, ugh, I have to live there for at least a little bit at some point.  But, one of my favorite things was this restaurant my girlfriend and I found for lunch.  It's called the Heartland Café, located in the heart of Rogers Park.  It was one of those places that was rundown enough to look a little worn-in, as if it was old but had seen a lot of life, though it still had quite the personality.  There were overgrown plants everywhere and you had the option of eating outside, at the bar, on a screened patio, or in the open air.  We chose the screened patio and it was wonderful.  The chairs didn't match each other and each table was different, as if they were purchased at a rummage sale.

Then we got our menus and everything was as green as could be.  All the meat products were from a great farm who did not use any extras to enhance their meat, it was all farm-fed and Amish-raised.  We decided to order an appetizer of hummus, avocados, tomatoes, and warm pita slices - which was delicious.  And then our entrée was chicken marinated in maple syrup marinade and topped with pineapple pieces and it all came with mashed potatoes and gravy on the side.  I kid you not, it was THE best meal I've ever had.  And I felt genuinely healthy and good about eating it...all of it.

After being full with our delicious, healthy, and eco-friendly meal I truly felt like I was welcome in this place, as silly as that may sound.  Then we walked around a little bit and found what we thought was a vintage store right next to the restaurant.  We walked in and I eavesdropped on a conversation an older man with gray-white hair was having with some people that I gathered were from France...I'm not sure about that one though.  He was telling them that they should vote in the next election to lean France a little bit more to the left...you know, fight for social justice.  I immediately liked him.  The Frenchies left soon after and we were looking around and he introduced himself.  We asked him how he got all this stuff and he told us that it actually wasn't a shop and nothing was for sale, this was just where he stored all his old stuff but people kept walking in since he left the door open.  He showed us some pictures that he took after a motorcycle trip he took to Mexico, one of which was of President Kennedy driving and waving from his car.  He then asked us if we had seen the Heartland.  We told him we just got done eating there and absolutely LOVED it.  He informed us that he was the owner.

Afterwards, I remember saying that it felt like one of those places that serves the community more than it serves food.  Bringing the community together in a supportive, generally happy place, to just be.

somedays i think about the little bits of time we have together
and it makes me wish that when you were napping in my lap
i would have memorized your face and stayed there
just a little longer.

I never knew I needed these things until now...

I recently became obsessed with the website etsy, which I know makes me seem a little late on the "trends" since this has been a hit for a while now, but I have just now discovered it's brilliance.

Here's my etsy wishlist, in order of which ones I am most inclined to buy...you know...a little gift for myself to get me through these next few weeks before school starts and I can dive into philosophies, books, theories, and the beautiful life of college academia that I absolutely thrive in:

1.  Knit Cowl Scarf: I have wanted one for so long and have yet to find one in a store!  This will be definitely purchased on etsy, soon.

2.  Camera Strap Cover with customized Lens Cap Pocket Holder: I love this!  I have found that summer has left me lacking the motivation to get out and find beautiful things in the ordinary to capture and have forever.  I'm hoping this little bit of personality on my camera that I love will allow me to pick it up and help me fall in love again.

3.  Triangle Summer Scarf: If you don't know me (or can't already tell) I am a HUGE scarf person.  My favorite accessory, I could dress an entire family with the amount of scarves I have.  But the beauty of my obsession is that I actually wear them, so I have no guilt at the amount I have.  I've noticed my collection is generally for fall or winter scarves, and I've been yearning for a light one fit for warmer weather.  Plus, this would be my first triangle one...and it's only $11.

4.  iPod Touch Custom Case:  Mine always falls out of the flimsy case it came with, and then jumps around in my purse getting all sorts of scratches and bruises.  Plus, I'm one of those people who ALWAYS drop it.

5.  Laptop Case and Cord Pouch:  Kind of just a splurge that I really like.  Though I'm always wanting some sort of pouch for my laptop cord when I head to the library, I might even buy two since my pencil bag has recently ripped.

6.  Last but not least, I love just about EVERYTHING from japonica's etsy shop.  I can't seem to choose from the many things that I love, but I want to buy at least one necklace.  Something beautiful just for me to wear everyday and remind me of the beauty that is waiting for me in life, and to feel beautiful everyday.

I know, I know...not my "typical" blog post.  I have no explanations other than sheer summer boredom.

Forrest Gump.


It's one of my favorite movies.


I may be stating the obvious with this one, but there is something that I absolutely love about that movie that I don't think any story I've yet heard has ever captured.


I love the part where Forrest is just finishing up telling the people on the bus bench about his success with Bubba Gump Shrimping Co. and neither of the people believe that a millionaire would be sitting on a bus bench wasting his time telling ordinary people his life story.  Then he shows the lady a picture of him and Lieutenant Dan on the cover of Fortune 500 as the bus that she has just been waiting for passes her.  Forrest asks her if she's going to get on her bus and she says, "There will be another one in a short while."


I love that moment when she realizes that Forrest's story is something special.  Something that should be heard and listened to and remembered.  I love how ordinary he is, and yet incredibly extraordinary at the same time.


I wonder what it would be like if when we sat down to eat dinner with our families, or coffee with a friend, or even in our conversations with those we don't know very well (and maybe don't want to know very well), if we just realized that every person is worth being heard, listened to, and remembered.  I don't think I've been very good at that lately.  I have a tendency to want to be heard, listened to, and remembered so badly that I forget to hear, listen, and remember everyone else.


Also, I think I am so much like Jenny sometimes, and that's why I've always been more fascinated with the mystery of Jenny's part in the story than with Forrest's.  She spends so much of her time life trying to figure out who she is, and trying all these different things to try and fill her and make her into who she is.  In the past few years I tried picking habits and styles from people who I liked, and I did it because I wanted to be more like them.  I wanted those habits and styles because they intrigued me and I felt like I didn't have anything like that, anything that made me uniquely me.  The past year of my life has been trying to realize which habits and styles are actually mine, the ones that make me...me.  And just like we don't know what made Jenny stop doing things and changing herself with every new change in friends and locations, I'm not sure how or when I'm going to feel like I have myself figured out.  But I do know that something that is very different about me now, that I wouldn't be able to honestly say a few years ago is that I only want to be me.  Not an imitation of someone else.  


Side note:  this is my favorite quote of the whole movie.   


"I don't know if Momma was right or if, if it's Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time."

I found this from someone a while ago, so I won't pretend to take credit for it one bit.
I just really like it today.

typical (or not) musings.

Something I've been thinking about lately:

as a whole, we have constantly compared ourselves to this insane, absolutely INSANE, dream of normalcy that

is anything but normal.

(does anyone know what i even mean?)

we all do it, whether we think about it or not. and the funniest part about it is, the very essence of our idea of "normal" is never normal. "normal" changes for each of our life stages.

when i was five, it was normal for me to want to grow up and be a ballerina. it was NOT normal that i wanted nothing more than to play with fairies (who were absolutely REAL) and eat dog bones and read every book i could get my hands on.

when i was in high school, it was normal (and might i add absolutely debilitating to my self-confidence and personal identity) to want to fit in with everyone. to dream of prom as "the best night of my life." (gag me.) it was NOT normal to not want to be myself so much that i started picking up other people's habits, and pretending that i was actually someone else.

now, people are saying it would be normal if all i wanted to do was live it up, have the "best years of my life" (i keep hearing a lot of that..."the best ____ of your life"...is that "normal"?) and not concern myself with topics, questions, feelings, desires, wants, and beliefs that are too hard, or too big, or too messy. it is NOT normal that these things are exactly what i want to concern myself with. that i am so scared of being ignorant that i don't want to ignore the things that are too big or too hard or too messy because ignoring them would actually drive me crazy, and make me unable to relate to the people who are different, NOT normal. (another of my biggest fears)

Oh no, THIS is not normal. DEFINITELY not normal for a twenty year-old.

it is also NOT normal that i have stopped trying to be everyone else and tried to understand myself, who I am. ( i can hear it in my head, "that is such a big thing to tackle. you have plenty of time to figure that out, when you're older.") it is NOT normal that i have stopped believing in "normal." that i think this fluffy, romanticized, American dream of normality (you know, those things that we're "supposed" to do, the dreams we're "supposed" to have) is actually unreality and a big fat lie that has caused so much personal hurt when we finally realize that we are, and never will live up to, the normalcy that has dictated our lives until that moment. because, let's be real honest here,

nothing

is

normal.

a peace inside

just so everyone knows I'm not dead to the blogging world...

I'm not.

There's a lot I'm learning this semester, more than I feel I ever have, and I am treasuring every new gem of knowledge I am gaining. However, the most beautiful thing I have experienced this semester, and will definitely comment on later,

true peace.

It's something that takes a while to come to, like Shakyamuni Buddha who searched and searched and searched for enlightenment, but when he finally gave up and stopped trying, he found it.

Again, there's much more to be said, but for some reason, I feel like I should wait until this semester is over to fully process what I am learning, and decide which of it I will share with the blogging public.

So friends, peace be with you.

john 14.

i patiently await the break of a new dawn.

tired, frustrated, lonely, broken, dead.

these are feelings i have tried to ignore.

i have tried to find joy and ignore these weights.

i cant do it anymore

i yearn to be alive again.

i yearn to be home again.

with each pulse of my still patiently beating heart

i wait.

come now, let us leave.