une vie humaine

Here's a poem I wrote last year in (oddly enough) my french class.  I *ahem* struggled a little bit in this class, but this was the one assignment that I just knew exactly what I wanted to write about and how I would write it.  I really like how it turned out and it's a good descriptor of where I was at in life at that point and time.  I read it recently too and it is just a good reminder to myself that I need to let go of things, loosen up, stop being so hard on myself, so that I can actually live instead of constantly trying to think about, question, and ponder over my life and what is going well or not in it.

Je pense, je médite, je réfléchis,

Les pensées animent constamment mon esprit.

Ainsi est ma vie, je dois penser sans arrêter,

Afin d’apprendre davantage,

Mais à force, je suis épuisée.

Chaque jour je cherche des solutions,

Aux problèmes du monde, de la vie, de la foi,

Et je prends de nouvelles résolutions.

À la fin de la journée, je suis fatiguée

Car cela demande beaucoup d’efforts

De toujours avoir à penser.

Alors, aujourd’hui je dis que c’est assez

J’ai tout juste vingt ans,

Et j’en ai assez d’être fatiguée.

Je vois ma vie qui passe,

Dans le reflet que me renvoie ma tasse.

Je suis encore jeune et il me reste beaucoup à voir

Alors, est-ce tellement important de posséder ces savoirs?

Je pense que non,

En fait, c’est bien mieux

De laisser vagabonder ses pensées,

Et vivre intensément jusqu’à devenir vieux.

Le but de la vie,

C’est d’apprendre et de vivre intensément,

Mais en embarrassant trop son esprit,

On laisse s’enfuir les plus beaux moments.

SAFARI!

Well, to put it briefly, safari was absolutely amazing.  It was exactly what I needed.

There was a group of 9 of us (including the driver) who went this weekend, all of which (except for maybe one or two) I haven’t had the chance, or taken the opportunity, to get to know very well.  So I was definitely nervous, but also excited at the same time because I could tell that this experience would really bring us closer, even if only a little bit.  It ended up being a lot more than that, and I made a friend who I hope, and pray, will be there forever.  I’ll explain more about that later though. 

We left early in the morning on Sunday and drove the absolutely GORGEOUS 6-hour drive to Murchison Falls National Park.  Seriously, the drive itself was incredible.  The scenery and the jokes we shared just really relaxed me right away.  It felt like such a luxurious vacation.  (Thanks Mom!)  We stopped in Masindi, a small village town, for lunch, and it was so nice to have some recognizable food that I would honestly want in the States.  A real cheeseburger and french fries.  Seriously, every time I leave the country, this is what I crave, and it was amazing to have that after a month of being here without it.  We then continued on to the final two hours of our drive, and started heading into the park.  On our way to the hotel, we were following a car and we watched him swerve off the incredibly bumpy dirt road, hit a ditch, start to flip causing all four-wheels to leave the ground, before smashing into a tree.  I didn’t see it happening, I just saw the car smashed around the tree after it happened, but nonetheless, it was definitely scary and a huge reminder that every minute we have here is a gift.  Luckily, the driver was the only one in the car, and he was completely fine, just a little shaken. 

Before we went to the hotel, we arrived at the point where we were going to hike down to see Murchison Falls.  We got out and began hiking uphill first, to be able to see the falls from the top of a cliff.  The view was incredible.  I had a very familiar feeling in this very unfamiliar place.  I felt the same way I felt when a few good friends and I went to the Bowl during Spring Semester and ate dinner while watching the sunset.  Total peace.  I don’t know that I can completely explain it, but I was completely at peace.  The verse and song that ran through my head the entire day, and in fact, the entire weekend was John 3:8, and the song “Wherever the Wind Blows” by Pillar.

 “The wind blows wherever it pleases.  You hear it’s sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.  So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” 

Every time I would start to get anxious, I would simply close my eyes and listen to the sound of the breeze.  I would feel the goose bumps rising on my arms, I felt enveloped in the wind, a part of it, and as the wind passed over me, my anxiety left with it. 

We took a bunch of pictures at the top of this cliff, and it was really fun because the girl I have made friends with is just as big of a photo geek as I am, probably bigger, so she helped me out a lot.  Then we took a hike down the cliff to the bottom of the River Nile so we could get some more shots of the falls.  It was really cool to just sit on a rock in the middle of the Nile, looking in awe at His incredible Creation.  I am so blessed that I got to do that.  We then took the terrible trek back up the cliff, which nearly took my breath away, and not in the way that the beauty of the falls did.  I got to follow my friend around while she did some video and in doing that I got some pretty cool shots myself.  It was really fun to finally have someone who I could lag behind the group with in order to get a perfect shot. 

We left soon after and checked into the hotel, and it seriously looked like a honeymoon spot.  We had one “hut” per two people that had two beds and a shelf set and mirror inside, and a bathhouse outside.  My friend and I stayed in hut #2, otherwise called “Simba.”  It was so much fun!   On the drive up, this girl and I discussed how we were both really big cuddlers, which pretty much sealed the deal on our friendship for me.  That was when we decided to room together, which was a really great decision because I got to hear a really cool testimony and gain an amazing friend who has now become probably one of the closest friends I have made here.   

The next day we woke up really early for breakfast and headed for the ferry that would take us across the Nile for the game ride, meaning the ride where we would see all the animals.  Once we got across the river, we all piled into the van after popping the roof up so that we could all sit on the roof in order to be able to see everything around us a lot better.  This in itself made my weekend.  I got to sit on the top of a safari van, while driving through the African grasslands, with a view of the Nile and various African animals in their natural habitat.  Excuse me if this whole post is completely cheesy, but it was absolutely amazing.  Again, the wind against my face, pushing my hair behind my ears, the stillness of the scenery, the feeling of my bare feet folded underneath my legs on top of the safari van, the absolute freedom as I lifted my head and hands to the sky while driving down the dirt road through the reservation, was extremely exhilarating and peaceful at the same time.  Again, my adventurous spirit soars. 

We saw everything from water buffalos, to giraffes, hippos, crocodiles, elephants, birds, antelopes, warthogs, and gazelles.  It was amazing.  We then boarded another boat that took us down the Nile near the falls, which was where we saw the hippos, and I took some really great pictures of the Nile.  We went back to the hotel and took a swim in the pool, yes the pool, it wasn’t anything like an American pool, but it felt luxurious despite the horseflies nested in the jets that were above the water level because of the leak in the bottom of the pool.  Our last day we just drove home, stopping for a decent lunch once again, and returned to the house. 

This weekend was everything I needed.  The Lord provided me with a weekend devoted to drawing closer to Him.  I honestly felt refreshed and renewed, and coming back to the house was exciting because I was really eager to get back into our ministry. 

“The wind blows wherever it pleases.  You hear it’s sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.  So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.”  

...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

Today was a bit emotional for me, I have been feeling this coming on for a while now, and I think today might have been the breaking point.  I have learned that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.  That it is easy for people to tell what I am feeling, how I am, without even asking.  I have tried to hide this feeling for about 3 days now, and every day I try to hide it.  Today one good friend of mine sat next to me and bluntly said, "You don't hide your feelings very well, stop telling everyone you're fine, I know you're not, we all know you're not.  What's wrong?"

My mind races, and the weirdest part about this feeling is I can't pinpoint the one thing that is truly bothering me.

Though I am in love with this country, these people, this culture, there are many things that are frustrating me right now.  One of the main ministries we do is that we visit primary and secondary schools and do what we call a "program" for the Scripture Union or just for the kids.  Though I like our program (praise&worship, opening prayer, message, closing prayer) it is beginning to feel routine, and it feels as if there is no room for the Spirit to move in these times.  I also really believe in listening to the kids and meeting their needs, and sharing applicable things with them, and the "program" does not leave a lot of time for this.  I guess just all day I was sitting here, contemplating my purpose here, and I realized that I did not have any personal relationships with one kid in particular.  I talk to many volunteers here who have connected quite a bit with at least one kid and have been able to watch them grow and encourage them in faith and that is something that I desperately want.  I'm not sure if it's selfish or not, but that's just something I would like to do for someone, just for affirmation that I really did touch someone's life here.  I was praying and praying about this so hard, and finally I just gave up.  I really felt tempted by the devil in that moment to become negative about my time here, to think that me being here is doing nothing, and I began dwelling on past frustrations that were so trivial it didn't even make sense that my mind was bringing them up again.  This made me so upset and sad and frustrated that almost every person I talked to annoyed me.  I just prayed God would give me a good attitude, or at least help me to fake a good attitude (which I'm not sure He agreed to this prayer, maybe He would if I changed the wording a bit, because even typing this now seems silly and selfish) throughout our projects today.  

Sanyu Babies Home was good, but it was a little frustrating because I only got to play with the kids for probably the first hour we were there, and then the rest of the time was spent sorting clothes and putting them away.  However, I got to do this with a volunteer I have really come to love and respect a lot, so that was good.  

We then were supposed to go to the Remand Home.  I'm not sure I have written about this project yet, but the last time I went I had a really hard time with it.  The Remand Home is basically a juvenile detention center, however, the way the justice system works here, people are guilty until proven innocent.  So there are many people in this detention center who have not done anything wrong, but are still staying in the prison for longer than they deserve to.  The people who run this center also many times make up excuses to not take these kids to their court dates, causing them to stay in this place even longer.  However, there are some legitimate criminals in there as well.  The main cases are robbery, defilement (rape), and murder.  This is also flawed, as many of those who are innocent learn from these criminals that it is actually okay to commit crimes, and they return home worse off than before.  The last time I went, I have to admit I was scared out of my mind, so I didn't try very hard to reach many of the kids, but God had other plans.  There was a girl who sat by me and tried to talk to me, though her English was quite broken.  We didn't talk about anything too deep or spiritual, but she did tell me why she was there.  One of her friends had gotten angry with her, so she reported to the police that Irene (this is the girl's name) had stolen her ball.  I had completely forgotten about this encounter until this morning when I realized we were returning to the Remand Home.  Once we got there, I sat down in the area I had sat before, and within five minutes Irene came and sat beside me.  "Do you remember me?  What is my name?"  I told her I did remember her, and that her name was Irene, and she was obviously very pleased.  I had brought her some candy, because I know she had been wanting some cookies or candy since the food there is very bland, and she seemed very grateful.  I asked her how she had been the past two weeks and if she had done anything interesting, and she informed me that she was supposed to have her court date last week but the van wasn't working so she missed it.  She had it rescheduled for next Wednesday.  I talked to her only a little more, and we began our program.  She seemed much more alive today than the last time I saw her, as she sang each praise&worship song with much more joy than before.  One of the volunteers gave a really powerful message, that I can only pray really touched some of the kids' hearts.  Though I'm sure it did, because it caused even me to get tears in my eyes at this beautiful girl speaking with such purpose behind some really traumatic events from her past.  I talked with Irene a little bit afterwards, when all of a sudden she pulled out something from her pocket.  She put two bracelets on my wrist that she had made for me.  The last time I was here, I commented on her necklace and she tried to give it to me but I refused because it was hers.  She promised me she would make me one for next time.  I can't believe she remembered.  She then told me that any day I wanted to visit her, I could come.  I asked when she wanted me to come, and she told me Tuesday so I could see her before her court date.  She also asked if I could get her some underwear, a towel, and sugar for her tea and porridge.  I readily agreed to do so if it was possible, and am still figuring out if I will be able to see her on Tuesday.  I also asked if she had her Bible with her at Remand, and she said she was not allowed to bring it with her.  I offered to buy her a Bible in Luganda, and she smiled and said she would really like that.  We then had to go, so I said my goodbyes and left a lot more joyful.  

God completely provided my joy.  He gave me Irene, this girl I am now invested into, to give me a purpose for at least right now.  I am also so eager to buy her this Bible, as I hope this will start some conversation about how the Lord has worked in her life.  She was shy when I asked her questions such as these last time, but I think she is trusting me more now that I have returned and specifically talked with her again.  I also, just about five minutes ago, read the message in my devotional book today, and I wish I would have read it this morning.  It specifically spoke into what I was struggling with today, as it often supernaturally, amazingly does, and would have really helped.  I still feel the desire to be a little more mellow than I have been in the past few days, but I think that's just me.  I love people, but at the same time I love to be alone, just me and God, and that is something that is really hard to come by in a house filled with over 20 very loud personalities, and is something I have been craving for a while now.

images of life.

I don't have much to say about today, except for a continuation of my last post.  I would encourage you to read that one if you haven't as it explains a lot of the past two weeks of my trip.  I haven't posted any pictures yet, and I have tried to but it simply takes too long, sorry.  However, recently I have found a lot of joy in capturing my moments here as well as those that I witness in others on my team.  We leave for Luwero tomorrow, and I am eager to see what the Lord has prepared for this trip and what I will learn.

oh the irony.

After my last post, one would assume I understood the meaning of joy.  God shocked me last week and taught me the true meaning of joy.  I won't go into the details, but I have figured out one of my prayers for my trip.

joy.

So many people go to Africa and bring back and take pictures of sad-looking toddlers with potbellies and bare feet.  But do they do this because that's what people back home expect to see?  Because that's what they know of Africa?  Because when they go to "save" Africa, that's what they expect to see?  Well, I want to change that.  I want to see the joy in these potbellied children.  I want to bring home pictures of children dancing and praising God for one more day they get to be truly alive.  I want to see a joy that is only explained by God in the people who have the least reasons to be joyful.  

As an update on the status of my trip, I just sent in my consent form and am about to place my administrative $100 deposit down.  However, I cannot buy my ticket or pay for the rest of my trip yet.  I am short about $700 and I have no clue where that is going to come from.  But that's the beauty of it.  This is just another opportunity for me to place my trust in God and wait and watch for Him to work.  I trust He will, but the waiting is making me anxious.  So badly I yearn for these kids, for these people, and the fact that money,  something that I consider to be the farthest from God, is standing between me and them is so incredibly frustrating.

But I have been blessed.  There is such an incredibly supportive community around me lately that I can't help but smile.  

Another update, I got my first tattoo, finally.  It is on my foot, and is the most incredible reminder of a crucial part of my walk with Jesus.  It reads, 

let go, let God.

Proverbs 3:5-6

That in itself was an incredible experience.

Lastly, it is spring break.  So many of my friends are in foreign countries right now on mission trips and I am so excited for them.  Just from talking with my friends as they prepared for this trip of theirs, I know God is going to work radically in so many people's lives, and I can't wait to hear everyone's encounters.  I am at home.  I am on a mission trip myself.  I won't go into details here either, but I have been convicted with a mission for this week in which God is going to provide the most drastic restoration ever.  I cannot wait for the opportunity that I am sure God will provide, but at the same time, thinking about it makes me more nervous than I ever have been before.  I know God has prepared me for everything that may come up, and will give me the right words and timing, but it is scary.  It's sad that talking to those you love can sometimes be harder than talking to an absolute stranger.

God.  is.  moving.  

Mukama Asiimwe.  (this means Praise God in a Ugandan tribal language.)

joyjoyjoy!

Well, for those of you I haven't told yet...

I GOT ACCEPTED TO THE MINISTRY SUPPORT TEAM FOR EMPOWER-A-CHILD!  WHICH MEANS I GET TO GO TO AFRICA!

Which means it's real.  It's happening.  God wants me to go, and I'm going.  Wow.  The reality that this summer I will spend somewhere around two months in Uganda astounds me.  Uganda.  The beautiful red mud, rolling green valleys, gaping rivers and enormous lakes, village huts, busy cities, open markets, orphanages, hospitals, juvenile detention centers, baby's homes, and IDP camps that my heart yearns to see.  The children that my heart breaks for, and that my arms reach out to embrace.  The people whose harsh realities send shivers up my back and tears flowing down my face.  I pray for these people everyday.  People I haven't met yet, people I will meet, and people I may never meet.  But I am going.  My yes is on the table, and I will be there soon.  My dear friends who I do not know yet, I yearn for your company, your stories, your words of wisdom, your tears, your struggles, our friendships. I excitedly search for the preparations being made by God to help me better serve His Kingdom, and the plans that He has for my time in Uganda.  Though, this has been made a secret that I will soon discover in a few short months.  All of this excites me to the point that I think my heart will burst in anxiety, excitement, wonder, and joy.

Oh Lord, you continue to bless me, and I am eternally grateful.