...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

Today was a bit emotional for me, I have been feeling this coming on for a while now, and I think today might have been the breaking point.  I have learned that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.  That it is easy for people to tell what I am feeling, how I am, without even asking.  I have tried to hide this feeling for about 3 days now, and every day I try to hide it.  Today one good friend of mine sat next to me and bluntly said, "You don't hide your feelings very well, stop telling everyone you're fine, I know you're not, we all know you're not.  What's wrong?"

My mind races, and the weirdest part about this feeling is I can't pinpoint the one thing that is truly bothering me.

Though I am in love with this country, these people, this culture, there are many things that are frustrating me right now.  One of the main ministries we do is that we visit primary and secondary schools and do what we call a "program" for the Scripture Union or just for the kids.  Though I like our program (praise&worship, opening prayer, message, closing prayer) it is beginning to feel routine, and it feels as if there is no room for the Spirit to move in these times.  I also really believe in listening to the kids and meeting their needs, and sharing applicable things with them, and the "program" does not leave a lot of time for this.  I guess just all day I was sitting here, contemplating my purpose here, and I realized that I did not have any personal relationships with one kid in particular.  I talk to many volunteers here who have connected quite a bit with at least one kid and have been able to watch them grow and encourage them in faith and that is something that I desperately want.  I'm not sure if it's selfish or not, but that's just something I would like to do for someone, just for affirmation that I really did touch someone's life here.  I was praying and praying about this so hard, and finally I just gave up.  I really felt tempted by the devil in that moment to become negative about my time here, to think that me being here is doing nothing, and I began dwelling on past frustrations that were so trivial it didn't even make sense that my mind was bringing them up again.  This made me so upset and sad and frustrated that almost every person I talked to annoyed me.  I just prayed God would give me a good attitude, or at least help me to fake a good attitude (which I'm not sure He agreed to this prayer, maybe He would if I changed the wording a bit, because even typing this now seems silly and selfish) throughout our projects today.  

Sanyu Babies Home was good, but it was a little frustrating because I only got to play with the kids for probably the first hour we were there, and then the rest of the time was spent sorting clothes and putting them away.  However, I got to do this with a volunteer I have really come to love and respect a lot, so that was good.  

We then were supposed to go to the Remand Home.  I'm not sure I have written about this project yet, but the last time I went I had a really hard time with it.  The Remand Home is basically a juvenile detention center, however, the way the justice system works here, people are guilty until proven innocent.  So there are many people in this detention center who have not done anything wrong, but are still staying in the prison for longer than they deserve to.  The people who run this center also many times make up excuses to not take these kids to their court dates, causing them to stay in this place even longer.  However, there are some legitimate criminals in there as well.  The main cases are robbery, defilement (rape), and murder.  This is also flawed, as many of those who are innocent learn from these criminals that it is actually okay to commit crimes, and they return home worse off than before.  The last time I went, I have to admit I was scared out of my mind, so I didn't try very hard to reach many of the kids, but God had other plans.  There was a girl who sat by me and tried to talk to me, though her English was quite broken.  We didn't talk about anything too deep or spiritual, but she did tell me why she was there.  One of her friends had gotten angry with her, so she reported to the police that Irene (this is the girl's name) had stolen her ball.  I had completely forgotten about this encounter until this morning when I realized we were returning to the Remand Home.  Once we got there, I sat down in the area I had sat before, and within five minutes Irene came and sat beside me.  "Do you remember me?  What is my name?"  I told her I did remember her, and that her name was Irene, and she was obviously very pleased.  I had brought her some candy, because I know she had been wanting some cookies or candy since the food there is very bland, and she seemed very grateful.  I asked her how she had been the past two weeks and if she had done anything interesting, and she informed me that she was supposed to have her court date last week but the van wasn't working so she missed it.  She had it rescheduled for next Wednesday.  I talked to her only a little more, and we began our program.  She seemed much more alive today than the last time I saw her, as she sang each praise&worship song with much more joy than before.  One of the volunteers gave a really powerful message, that I can only pray really touched some of the kids' hearts.  Though I'm sure it did, because it caused even me to get tears in my eyes at this beautiful girl speaking with such purpose behind some really traumatic events from her past.  I talked with Irene a little bit afterwards, when all of a sudden she pulled out something from her pocket.  She put two bracelets on my wrist that she had made for me.  The last time I was here, I commented on her necklace and she tried to give it to me but I refused because it was hers.  She promised me she would make me one for next time.  I can't believe she remembered.  She then told me that any day I wanted to visit her, I could come.  I asked when she wanted me to come, and she told me Tuesday so I could see her before her court date.  She also asked if I could get her some underwear, a towel, and sugar for her tea and porridge.  I readily agreed to do so if it was possible, and am still figuring out if I will be able to see her on Tuesday.  I also asked if she had her Bible with her at Remand, and she said she was not allowed to bring it with her.  I offered to buy her a Bible in Luganda, and she smiled and said she would really like that.  We then had to go, so I said my goodbyes and left a lot more joyful.  

God completely provided my joy.  He gave me Irene, this girl I am now invested into, to give me a purpose for at least right now.  I am also so eager to buy her this Bible, as I hope this will start some conversation about how the Lord has worked in her life.  She was shy when I asked her questions such as these last time, but I think she is trusting me more now that I have returned and specifically talked with her again.  I also, just about five minutes ago, read the message in my devotional book today, and I wish I would have read it this morning.  It specifically spoke into what I was struggling with today, as it often supernaturally, amazingly does, and would have really helped.  I still feel the desire to be a little more mellow than I have been in the past few days, but I think that's just me.  I love people, but at the same time I love to be alone, just me and God, and that is something that is really hard to come by in a house filled with over 20 very loud personalities, and is something I have been craving for a while now.