pakalast.

Today was okay.  I feel really bad about having such a bad attitude about our ministries lately, but I just really need refreshing right now, and I'm not getting that here.  One thing God has been showing me is that I'm not sure I can handle a lifetime of ministry as a pastor, missionary, etc, meaning that this is definitely not what I am called to do every day for the rest of my life.  That it is just so hard to do this because in ministering to others, many times it is easy to forget about ministering to yourself, which is an absolutely crucial part of any person's walk with Christ, and something I value greatly in my walk.  Now, this doesn't mean I won't do some sort of "ministry" in my life, because I do believe that every person is called to ministry of a different sort, it's just that I wasn't designed to be a pastor, basically.  However, I do believe He is showing me a love and desire that He has placed in my heart to see and help the world that He will end up using later.  

I have also become very attached to some of the people here, and they have been incredible friends I want to keep forever.  It is scary because what am I supposed to do?  I want to get to know these people, I want them to get to know me, I want to be good friends with them, but it is so hard when they are here for a month and leave.  Then I have to reinvest in new people, only for them to leave soon as well.  Then to know that they live all over the U.S. and Europe, many of them I will never be able to see again.  I am beginning to get sick, not just here in Uganda, but in my life back home as well, of knowing that many of my friends won't be there forever.  I feel as if I have never had one friend who has always been there, and though I love meeting new people, it would be nice to have at least one person who truly understands every bit of me because they've been with me for so long.  (Disclaimer: I have some AWESOME friends, a few of which I hope & pray will be there forever.)

Other than the fact that I have been a little frustrated with a few things here, I have had some really amazing talks with a few of the volunteers.  There is one girl I have really gotten to know very well, and we had a conversation the other day that I hope and pray I will never forget.  We were talking about how best to handle when we have friends who claim to be Christians, but then we can't see any sort of depth in their relationship with Christ, if they even have pursued a relationship with Him.  This was really interesting, because it was a question I had been faced with many times in the past year, not only towards others, but also towards myself.  We got to share examples of people we knew that we felt God laying on our hearts, and how we handled it or should handle it in the future, and it just really great to talk so freely about that.  We also got to telling each other our testimonies, which was really great.  I always love hearing how awesome God works in others lives, and also becoming more and more appreciative and amazed about how awesome He has worked in my own life.  

I also just talked to a friend about my frustrations I am dealing with in this ministry, and she has definitely helped me a lot.  We plan to take our Saturday as a Sabbath together and go to a nearby town that is really quiet just to relax and bathe in the presence of the Lord to refresh and renew ourselves.  As terrible as it may sound - I am looking forward to Saturday more than anything.