tired&weary.

Where to begin?

My mind continues to race as I am here, and I'm not even sure what this post will be about yet.  I guess we'll see though. 

On Friday we did some door-to-door evangelism in one of the slums in Banda, near Kyambogo.  I was really nervous, as I always am, but this time I got to do it with some people who I felt really comfortable around.  I told them of my fear of evangelism (I wonder if this is a legit phobia?) and the guy who was with me said he would lead at the first couple of houses, but he wanted me to just try leading it once in order to conquer my fear.  I told him maybe.  We went to the first two houses and my partner did a really great job.  However, it is so hard to tell if these seeds have been planted, and it is something I struggle with here a lot.  One of my love languages is words of affirmation, so not seeing the results of our work all the time is really hard.  At the next house, my partner insisted I lead this time.  We went into a woman's household and from the minute we sat down, she began telling us about how much she loved the Lord and how He has just been so good to her in her life.  I could just tell she was so genuine about her passion for Jesus, so instead of walking through the gospel with her, I decided to tell her a generalized version of my testimony.  I asked the Spirit to lead my words, and ended up talking about how the Christian walk isn't always easy, and that God didn't promise it would be, but that there is always a purpose that is worth it in the end as long as we set our sights on Christ.  Then we will be able to see blessings even in the hardest situations.  She seemed genuinely blessed by this, and my partner decided to read a verse to her from Romans.  She got so excited about this verse that she asked us for a pen and paper so she could write it down and study it later.  She shared a little bit about how the Lord was working in her life, and I just saw a joy in her, despite the fact that she was living in a slum where her house gets torn down every year by the government, it inspired and awed me so much.  

Saturday was a free day and a bunch of us went to the craft market in town.  There are so many cool things here, I love it.  

Sunday we went to Kyampisi as the entire team to help with the service, and it was good and frustrating at the same time.  We ended up staying from about 9 am to 6 pm, which was the frustrating part.  The service lasted probably like 4 hours, but luckily I helped with Sunday school, so I was constantly busy.  We then presented a woman who attends the church, Maggie, with a new sewing machine.  She is deaf and mute and sewing is the only way she makes an income, but just recently her old machine had broke.  This was incredible to see her so joyful over something that was so simple.  We also visited the school that Peter (the Ugandan who works with Empower-A-Child and who started Kyampisi Community Church) was building for the kids in the area.  Then we ate lunch at a woman's house and with many of the kids from the church.  Lastly, a boy who has already left decided to buy coffee plants for a couple sponsored kid's families to provide them with a way to make income.  I just love all the beauty in the brokenness of that village.  There was also one precious moment I had with a little girl who was 2 years old.  She was wearing a purple dress, and I'm not sure I ever pronounced her name correctly, but she was hilarious.  She would not stop talking, all in Luganda of course, and even though I could not understand a word she said I thought it was the funniest thing.  I kept trying to make up in my head what she was telling me, and it was so funny to joke around with her when she couldn't even understand me.  Then, I started tickling her and kissing her belly, her cheeks, her forehead.  Finally she grabbed my face with her two little hands and stared me straight in the eyes for a few seconds.  She quickly brought my face to hers and gave me a huge kiss.  I just about died of love for her.  

Today was an awesome day for the most part.  This morning we said goodbye to two volunteers who had come with me on my flight.  To know that an entire month has already gone by is mind boggling.  I feel I have so much left to learn and understand here that I'm not sure I'll get in just 4 more weeks. 

After the first boy left, we were given the choice to either go to Sanyu Babies Home or Nsambya.  I had been to Nsambya the first time and really really hated it.  It is so unorganized because they don't have many people helping them, and the kids just pee everywhere all the time.  It smells disgusting.  However, the other boy who was going to be leaving later that day really loved a boy at Nsambya so we all decided to go with him to help them out.  I now have a much greater love for this place than before.  Sanyu Babies Home is very organized and has a set schedule that is kept every single day, which is really good.  The babies are so obedient there and have developed so much faster than an American baby because of all the activities and rules Sanyu has set in place to most effectively raise them.  However, two of the rules are that volunteers are not supposed to hold them unless feeding the little babies, and we are not supposed to take pictures of the kids.  This is simply to prevent them becoming attached to someone who isn't going to be taking them home, and I'm not entirely sure about the camera rule.  At Nsambya, there are not many rules.  You simply go in, do whatever you see a need for, and if the "mamas" need help, they will ask you.  I thoroughly enjoyed this freedom as we walked into the classroom and all the toddlers screamed for joy and threw their little bodies onto our legs, begging to be loved.  I have had a talk with one of my best friends at home about kids and how much they need loving touches, simply for their own mental health.  I was reminded of this as each kid I saw stretched out a hand to be touched, held, kissed, played with, anything.  I held a toddler named Christine today, I had held her the first time I visited as well, so it was cool to see she remembered me.  She is a little spitfire.  I would make funny faces at her, and she would return the same face to me.  I even taught her how to raspberry.  Multiple times she would grab my face and kiss my cheeks, wrap her little arms around my waist while resting her head in my chest.  It was so precious and I absolutely fell in love with her.  But the thing that did the trick, was one time as she was stroking my cheeks, she whispered "Emily."  She really did remember me.  I was so blessed, and pretty much freaked out asking everyone if they had heard what she had said.  Soon after though, the "mamas" needed help with the little babies, feeding and changing them.  So I did that and ended up with the happiest baby - Josephine.  She was adorable, and after having her bottle, she fell asleep with her head in my chest, arms around my neck.  I just really appreciated this ministry today because I don't stress out about it as much.  At the schools, I am constantly worrying about what I should, say, do, dress like, act in order to reflect Christ to these kids, but at the Babies Homes all I have to do is pay attention to them and love them with the love of Christ which, trust me, is not a hard job.  I just really needed this break to get refreshed and excited again about my ministry here.  

The rest of the day was just spent relaxing and planning out the next week.  I really needed some chill time, but I had an unpleasant surprise waiting to happen that night.  We had been planning to go to Kyambogo that night, and I told Lydia that I would most likely be back, but I can never be sure because Uganda is always uncertain with planning.  However, just a cultural difference here that is so unbelievably frustrating, is that Ugandans don't understand the term "maybe."  This might seem strange, and trivial, but it really is a big deal.  You can tell someone you "might" do something later on, and you just promised them you would do it.  This makes talking about any form of the future, near or far, really difficult.  You can say to a Ugandan I "may" come tomorrow, and they will be disappointed when you don't show.  However, you can't say you will for sure, because you don't want to promise them and fall short, but you don't want to say no, because you don't want them to just not show up.  You can also say to a Ugandan that "maybe" God will lead me back to Uganda after college for long-term, and in saying that, you have just signed your life to coming back and living/working with them after graduation.  Yes this is all true.  Yes both of these cases have happened to me so far, plus many more, and it is SO frustrating!  

So, when I was just unwinding from the crazy week we had, I really was not in the mood for talking or being crazy outgoing, when one of the volunteers returned with a ton of kids from Kyambogo, two of which were Lydia and Matovu.  I am ashamed to say I immediately wished they weren't there, I was not in the mood to be able to minister to them effectively, and I just wanted a break.  They both sat next to me, Lydia with a look on her face as a mixture of anger and disappointment.  The first thing she said to me was "you deceived us."  This just broke my heart.  I had told them I "might" come and see them on Monday, but I couldn't be sure, and it ended up working out that I couldn't go.  Therefore, they thought I had broken my promise, since they assumed my uncertainty was actually very certain.  I apologized to them over and over again, but to be honest, I am simply worn out.  The directors have jam-packed our schedules so much, and I am spiritually, physically, emotionally exhausted.  I am ashamed to say I was happy when they left soon after because I have had just about no time to unwind and think, which is something that I definitely need right now.  

I guess I just really, desperately, need a Sabbath.  In this culture, they have grown up not having time to stop and think because they have to accomplish so much in a day's time.  I feel like even Sundays with this organization haven't been really a "day of rest" because we get asked to run Sunday School or do some sort of serving at the church, which is good, but honestly, I am exhausted and I need a break.