My kids. All I can think about is my kids.

I want to hold them again.

All you have to do...

So I’ve decided I’m going to do things a little differently for the next few weeks with this blog.  I’m simply going to write what I feel is necessary.  Even writing about writing my blog feels a little silly, but I do feel it is necessary to explain.  I tend to fall into this bad habit of comparing myself to others, a lot.  So when I saw some friends of mine blogging every day, and after reading their detailed accounts of their days, I started to change my blogging to look more like theirs.  It was recently pointed out to me by a wise friend (you know who you are) that I should simply write what I feel like writing, however I feel like writing it.  So I am going to return to that.  Praise God?  Amen.

So here I am.  I am sitting here, at the kitchen table that wobbles every time I shift the weight of my hands, causing my computer to slide to an almost fatal crash.  I smell my hair, still soapy because a bucket of water sometimes just doesn’t get it all out.  I look at my feet, red from the dust even though I just washed them this morning.  I glance around at the few people who are left in this holy house, absolutely loving the company of each and every one of them.  I will miss each unique personality more than they know.  I eye the Ugandans, who are all hilarious, beautiful, wise, generous, and kind in their own right.  I sip the Mirinda Fruity out of the dirty, used, glass bottle, my new favorite soda, and wonder how I will ever survive without it at home.  My head bobbles like a doll as the crowded van, 18 people squished in a van that is supposed to hold 8, rolls over the speed bumps, potholes, and trash that cover the red dirt roads.  On our way to the projects, I look out the windows and watch the scenery, both beautiful and heartbreaking, pass before me, realizing that I won’t see this anywhere else.  I play like I’m 3 years old with Rihanna and Jeremiah, the neighborhood kids who I dread leaving, and take mental pictures of their beautiful smiles and hilarious jokes.  I hold Leticia and am in awe at her intelligence and beauty.  I laugh at Jovan, a 12-year-old boy who looks like an old man in an awkward teenage body with a laugh that tops any I’ve ever heard.  Again, I can’t bring myself to let go when I hold onto them.  I sit outside the compound and run to help another neighbor girl carry a jerry can filled with water up the hill to her house.  I go to the projects we’ve planned for the day and blink back the wet salty tears from the corners of my eyes as I watch these teenagers, children, worshipping with all their hearts, minds, bodies, and souls.  Their eyes are closed, their hands raised, many are holding each other’s hands.  It’s the only support and comfort they have. 

This is what I’m doing now.  Today.

I think I’m beginning to understand how to live presently.  Finally. 

There are many things that God is providing absolutely amazingly that I will be doing in my last few days, and I think I’ll tell them as they come.  However, today has been amazing, and difficult.  Today I have enjoyed Uganda, I have enjoyed my company, my brothers & sisters in Christ, the conversations I’ve had, the stories I’ve heard, the children I’ve held, all of it. 

Though my heart breaks for my friend at the Remand Home, Medina.  She just came to the Remand Home two weeks ago, and only opened up to me today.  Her story is absolutely heartbreaking, but near impossible to help.  She told me she did not commit any crime, and she was in the Remand Home for care and protection services.  After her mom died, she went to live with her Aunt and Step-dad who started to sell her for prostitution.  She escaped and went to the police, who sent her to live at the Remand Home until she could find a stable home.  All I can do is comfort her and be her friend, I wish I could have met her earlier so I could have more time with her. 

Here is a taste of my trip:

Lydia, shy and sweet with a passion to live a life deserving of her Jesus.  Josephine, completely crazy and kind at the same time.  Eunice, who acts as a mother of an entire slum, though she’s only in secondary school, and a Bible Study leader for all the kids in the neighborhood.  Stella, with a faith that exceeds most people I know.  Rachel, with her diva attitude and fat face that just cries to be kissed.  Jessica, with her love to be held and touched as she smiles with pure contentment.  Irene with a joy and love for seeing me that touches my heart, though I long for her to go home.  Medina with a story to cause a grown man to cry, but a craving to be hugged and loved on.  Teddy, the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen who simply sits in my arms and giggles at the faces I make at her.  Shalom, smart and humble with a heart that shares with all the other orphans, even though they usually take advantage of her.  Peter, also incredibly intelligent with a joy and faith that astounds me every time I see him, despite the fact that he is orphaned and does not live in a stable home. 

I feel there are so many more people I’ve missed who have touched my heart here, though I cannot think of them all. These kids, these personalities, these problems, these encouragements, these hearts, all of which are being mended by our God bit by bit.  In return, mine has been broken, but I would gladly and eagerly break my heart, in order to mend theirs.  It has finally hit me that these kids we play with at the Babies Homes don’t just come there to play with us, they live there because someone abandoned their beautiful faces.  It has hit me that the kids at the Remand Home have been there for two months, and will probably be there for a good portion of their lives if they are guilty, or even if they do not have the means to get back home.  The teenagers at Kids In Need are street children, they have no other place to call home, but they have no other options.  The kids at Katalemwa are in daily pain and will be staying in the hospital with sever disfigurements and deformities for a good chunk of life.  Even the kids at the schools are suffering trying to pay school fees, fight diseases, have enough money for a decent meal, and watch over their brothers and sisters. 

Again, I feel it.  Frustration that I can’t do anything to ease their physical and material suffering.  But this time, this feeling does not come alone, it is coupled with an incredible feeling, that of HOPE.  By being with them, they see a hope for themselves.  With prayer, our God can reach out to them and hold them.  He can show them the way that will fulfill their purposes.  He can do it.

The last thing I do each day, and the first thing I do each morning, is read a picture that a friend sent to me, which is now taped to the wall beside my bed:

All you have to do is SOMETHING.

I have done something.  I know it.

a typical week, for the most part.

Wednesday: went to Katalemwa Children's Hospital in the morning where my team was on kitchen and cleaning duty.  My friend Amy and I ended up pulling weeds from the sandbox in the play area and hoeing the sand so that it was soft for the kids to play in.  That was actually really fun because the work was very repetitive and helped to just relax my mind.  Plus, there was a really cute boy who was playing in the sand while we were pulling weeds and such who ended up following us around after we were finished.  Once we were done, we went into the classroom to see the kids and I got to pray for a few of them, which is always a blessing.  We then did a program at a secondary school, which to be honest, I can't really remember.

Thursday:  went to Nsambya Babies Home early in the morning, and this day I felt really sick.  I tried to help out and clean the area, but I just kept getting nauseated so I sat out and played with whatever kids came up to me.  I was grateful when one of the "mothers" placed a young 3 1/2 month old baby in my arms with a bottle.  It kept the other kids away from me, and I still got to hold the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.  Her name is Theresa, but everyone calls her Teddy.  She's got light skin, and big brown eyes, and a really soft, curly, afro.  She was just so content no matter what, and was unbelievably adorable.  I really love her a lot, and wish I could take her home with me.  We then went to the Remand Home after lunch, which is something I look forward to every week.  The worship was, as usual, amazing, and we ended up doing a skit about HIV/AIDS and then splitting up into groups to answer questions.  The questions were so difficult.  Many of them would ask why God wouldn't take away their AIDS if they became a Christian or why they had gotten it, and we simply couldn't answer most of them.  I did get to speak with Medina however, and I gave her a Bible.  I am hoping to get to speak with her more in the next couple weeks I have left.

Friday: went to Kids In Need orphanage and hung out with the kids after doing a quick program and some games.  There is one kid there named Peter who absolutely astounds me.  He is probably about 12 years old, but he has the most amazing heart.  He always dances to the worship songs with all he has, he loves to talk with us and his English is really good, I taught him Egyptian Ratscrew last week, and this week he pulled me aside and dealt me half a deck of cards, asking to play the game.  He really remembered very well, and beat me twice again.  It's hard to explain the character of this incredible young boy, especially since I'm incredibly tired right now, but I just always look forward to seeing him.  

preparations.

Well, just as a brief (well, as brief as I can get, and by brief I mean not brief at all) update on the events of the days that have passed:

In the morning on Thursday we went to Sanyu Babies Home and I got some really good shots of my friend Jenna doing her physical therapy on some of the little ones.  It was really fun for me to be able to do that for her and to see how much she appreciated them once I gave her the finished product.  I hope to get to do some more of that for other people, it's really good practice.  

In the afternoon we went to the Remand Home where I surprisingly saw Irene, though she had been released last week.  I have to admit, it was exciting seeing her, but at first I was a little frustrated because the justice system here is really really bad and I assumed they had messed up on her case because this has happened to many of the kids we have gotten close with there.  She told me that she had malaria and that the conditions at Remand were better for her health than at home.  Plus, she was getting free medication there so she decided to stay until she felt better.  I prayed with her quickly and she excitedly told me she had been reading the Bible I had brought for her last week.  She showed me the verses she liked, and I showed her some of my favorite verses, it was really fun to at least initiate a conversation like this with her that will hopefully be continued, or hopefully not because she won't be there.  I'm not sure.  I also got to give the Bible I bought to Susan who gratefully received it and immediately flipped it open.  We did our usual program there, and they were really crazy that time.  The people leading the songs couldn't even hear themselves because the kids were all jumping up and down screaming the songs at the top of their lungs, it was amazing.  Then Heath gave another amazing message that touched so many of the kids.  He asked them at the end of his sermon if they wanted to give their lives to Christ, and if so to ask an "uncle or auntie" (which is what they call elders, meaning us) to pray with them.  I had a girl approach me named Medina who could not speak a lick of English.  I had one of the Ugandans I have gotten close with translate for me, and she said she wanted me to pray for her.  I prayed as Collin translated and could see the sincerity of her promise in her face.  I asked Irene if she was new to the Remand Home and she said she had just been admitted on Wednesday.  I told Medina I would come back next week with a Luganda Bible, which I went into town today and purchased.  I am excited to talk with her more and learn her story.  I am also excited for next weekend because I can start going to Remand on Sundays just to visit with Irene, Susan, and Medina without having to pause during the "program."  

Speaking of Medina, when we went to Kyampisi Community Church, there was a girl also named Medina who I was really attached to, but who wouldn't speak a word to me.  (Excuse me if I've already written about her, I can't remember.)  I asked someone what was wrong, though I thought I remembered her from the week previous as a girl who had contracted HIV/AIDS from birth.  They told me that it was her who was infected and that she was infected from birth.  These kids don't get a lot of attention from their parents usually, because the parents think that they won't live very long.  So from a very early age, these kids are instilled with a hopelessness thats enough to break any spirit, big or small.  Before I came, the Lord laid it on my heart to pay for an infected kids ARVs, and I really feel it might be this girl.  I have asked one of the Ugandans who works with the kids to talk with the parents about how much they might cost and he is going to get back to me hopefully before I go on safari this Sunday.  

Today in the morning we went to Davemi Infant & Nursery School in the stone quarries by the King's palace.  That place is overwhelmingly beautiful, and I just love going there.  It's really crazy because it's at the top of one of the many huge hills in Kampala, so the drive up there in the safari van is adventurous to put it lightly.  But once you get there, you look out from the front "porch" (this is in quotes because, well, I can't really explain, it's more like a cliff I guess) and you can see for miles of the scenery of Kampala.  It's incredible.  However, it is amazing how much beauty there is in so many broken places.  Almost all the kids at this school have been infected with HIV/AIDS and their parents have as well.  So again, many of these kids have not much to hope for because of the thought process that has been instilled into their brains since they were diagnosed. 

 I got to see some girls I talked with last week, and they recognized me right away.  One of them was really why and every time I would look at her she would hide her face and giggle.  The other would do something similar, but I kept getting distracted because something about her was different from before.  I finally realized that she had some burn marks near her left eye that hadn't been there last week.  I tried to ask her what happened, but she only replied in Luganda and all the Ugandans were busy cooking porridge so I couldn't get her embarrassed whispers translated.  Oh how that frustrated me.  I really hope we go back at the beginning of next week so I can pull her aside right away with a Ugandan and we can talk about it.  I also noticed a little girl who just breaks my heart every week.  She has burn marks covering her entire face, and part of her skull is showing on the top of her head.  I'm not sure what is wrong with her, and I'm too afraid to ask her.  Not because of the disfigurement of her face, but because I know she struggles with it a lot, even as a 1st grader.  Each time I'm there I see someone picking on her, and she runs to a corner crying.  Today, it happened right in front of my face and it took all my energy not to cane the little girl who had teased her.  At the beginning of our "program" I went and sat next to her and whispered in her ear, "Peacey, oli mulungi.  Yesu akwagala nyo nyo nyo."  Which means, "Peacey, you are beautiful.  Jesus loves you so so so much."  She smiled and inched a little closer, never clinging to me like so many of the others do however.  I started rubbing her back a little bit when the little girl next to her spoke some quick, heated Luganda after slapping Peacey's arm.  Peacey stared at her for a few minutes, and I didn't even know what was going on, until Peacey collapsed with her head in her arms, sobbing.  My eyes filled with tears and I thank the Lord for calming my temper towards the other girl who had hurt this girl who was already hurting much more than I can ever understand.  I tried to console her, but Peacey being a pretty cold little 1st grader simply because of her circumstances, didn't allow my arms to wrap around her little waist, she wouldn't let me lift her to my lap, she just sat there next to me as I rubbed her back.  Every now and again she would look up at me and I would just whisper, "oli mulungi, nkwagala (you are beautiful, I love you)" over and over again, and she would put her face back into her arms.  I want to see her more before I leave, I want her to understand the Father's love for her so she can face her schoolmates with confidence and boldness.  I am praying for her now as well.

After going back and having a quick lunch me and my friend Jenna went to the post office to pick up the package my mother had sent me and to see if one of her packages had come or not.  We ended up getting back to the house late, so we went straight to Good Choice Primary School in Kireka on a boda-boda where we were supposed to do some general cleaning of the buildings.  This school is really fun because the kids are absolutely wild.  The van rolls into the compound and you immediately hear hundreds of kids clamoring up to the sides of the car banging on the windows, screaming for us to get out.  It is hard to get out without tripping and falling into a mob of little elementary kids.  However, it always grosses me out because the "floor" is just dirt, or rather mud mixed with poo.  Yes.  I said it.  The kids were out washing their shoes and simply throwing the dirty water onto the dirt/poo floor, just making it worse, and that's when it hit me that we were cleaning this.  That was an instant humility lesson.  We ended up having to further wet the floors of the classrooms so as to "control the dust" and then sweep all the stray papers and dirt out of the classrooms before mopping it all at the end.  We only got to sweeping before all of us were covered with the mud/poo and realized we were doing nothing so we went home.  

Upon arriving at the house, I began taking out my plaits.  I have to say, I already have post-partum depression over them.  I really loved them.  However, they were starting to look a little grown-in, and it's not really appropriate to wear your hair plaited at these introduction ceremonies if they're not looking absolutely perfect.  So for Sarah's sake, I took out my fake hair plaits.  I can't lie, my hair is so gross right now.  It is basically dreaded already because it is in clumps of grease from the braids, but at the same time it is all kinky from the braids.  I look like an 80's drag queen if we're going to be honest here.  Plus, I'm still covered in mud because I don't plan on showering until tomorrow so I'll be the most fresh for Sarah's intro, so my personal hygiene is just really great right now.  Another lesson in humility and not finding confidence in my looks: check.  I am definitely going to get them re-done before I come home because I loved them so much, but I am going to take the next 2-3 weeks to get my hair relaxed and clean before doing it again.  Plus I am trying to decide if I should just do the braids again, or what they call afro-kinky, which is basically just dreads made out of extensions so they can be taken out and used again.  Though it is much more expensive and I'm not sure how I feel about it, all the Ugandans and many of the MST's really want me to do it.  I guess we'll see.  

In other news, this will be my last post until Tuesday most likely unless I get time tomorrow, though I highly doubt it.  Tomorrow is Sarah's introduction ceremony and the girls spent tonight doing last minute touch ups to our outfits.  We ironed our "dresses," (A piece of red, yellow, black, and gold fabric that we wrap around ourselves and tie a black fabric belt around our waists with a black chunky African necklace and sandals) painted our nails, plucked eyebrows, the works.  I think this will be the best I've looked so far tomorrow.  We will be driving out to Jinja around 11 a.m. and we will get there around 1 p.m.  From there, the women in Sarah's tribe will help us tie our dresses and get them secured and we will practice the Lugandan greeting we must say to the in-laws before we enter the ceremony.  The men will be wearing full church attire (slacks and a button-up shirt) with a traditional African dress, though they all insist it looks more like a tunic from Jesus' time, and a suit jacket over it.  It will be hilarious, I simply can't wait.  Then on Sunday I leave for Safari until Tuesday evening!  I can't wait to use that time to just refresh and re-energize with the only One who can truly do this.  

In all, this weekend will be a good end to a rough week.

It's all for Him.

Despite my bad day yesterday, and the broken times I had yet to experience in the coming day today, I had a good wake-up call this morning at devotions.  We sang a song that many of you will know: “I’m coming back to the heart of worship, and it’s all about you, all about you Jesus.”  I am reminded that even though I am sad about my friends not being here, the ones from home and the ones that have recently left, it’s not about me.  He calls me back to Him.  He takes my chin with His hand and turns my head back to meet His gaze.  My time here is all about Him, and it was great to be reminded that so simply this morning.

Our first ministry we went to was Katalemwa Children’s Hospital, and it was our group’s turn to talk with the moms.  I ensured that I got a different translator than last time so that hopefully I would have a better experience, and for the most part I did.  This time we spent a lot of time getting to know these women’s stories and listening to their struggles, and then we just prayed for them at the end or gave them any encouragement we had.  For the third time in three days, my eyes filled with salty tears listening to the first woman’s story.  She was a jaja (grandmother) and one of her eyes was missing.  We asked her why she was there, and about her life.  She told us she was there for her grandson, who was born with both of his legs crippled.  We asked where his mom was, and she told us she had died 1 week after he was born.  She told us she had given birth to three daughters, one of them died, and the other two have disappeared.  Her husband is too old to work, so they do not have any form of income.  She had lost her eye a few years ago when she got a disease and it became so infected that it was completely useless, and would have caused the disease to spread through her entire body.  When her daughter got pregnant, she was so ashamed of what happened to her that she refused to tell the jaja who the father of her child was.  She died before the jaja could figure it out, so she was now forced to take care of her grandson.  She started crying as she told us that she didn’t know how she was going to pay the balance for her grandson’s treatment at the hospital, so she was forced to stay there until she could figure it out, causing her balance to continually causing her more and more stress.  My eyes filled with tears as I watched the tears flow out of both of her tear ducts, even the one that was missing her eye. 

Again, I feel useless.  I’m sure we did all we could, but I still feel it is not enough.

After this we were supposed to go back to City Side Secondary School, the one we have been going back to for a while now.  There was another communication error, and the other teams went to City Side while we went to Clive College.  I think I was still so broken from yesterday that I didn’t think anything of it.  I don’t have much to comment on about this day except that Heath, one of the new guys who is one of my favorite people here, gave an incredible sermon that touched even me. 

Later on in the afternoon, I was supposed to go back to Kyambogo College with a few others to see Lydia and watch them practice basketball, as I usually do.  But the van that was going there left without me and another girl who was planning on going.  All these communication errors are getting me very excited for safari, when I can just get away for a while.  We ended up going with a different group to Bethany Secondary School where they played basketball with their school team.  We lost, but I had fun taking pictures and sitting with some 7 year olds as they laughed at my attempts at Luganda. 

Now we are back at the house, and I am looking forward to tomorrow, as hopefully it will be a better day.  We are going to Sanyu where one of my friends has asked me to come with her and take pictures of her last time at the Babies Home.  She is in her last year of university for occupational therapy and has been practicing the things she would do in her job here at the Babies Home and at Katalemwa Children’s Hospital.  She has not been able to take pictures at the Babies Home because we just recently got permission.  She has really appreciated a lot of the pictures I have taken and she asked if I would take some photos for her while she’s doing therapy.  I readily agreed, and am really looking forward to this job.  I am also thinking about asking one of the Ugandans if I could take a day this week to not actively participate in the ministries, but simply take photos, as this is where I have found my joy so far this week.  We are also going back to the Remand Home, so I will see how Irene’s case has worked out and will be able to give a Bible to Susan. 

I am simply praying for refreshing and for guidance on what I can do to help ease all these broken hearts.

Hello, Goodbye.

So, I will use this post to update about the week thus far, though it has seemed to be a blur since Monday night. 

In the morning on Monday we went to Sanyu Babies Home.  I spent the first part of the day in the smaller baby class, which I have decided is not my favorite job.  I can handle it for a little bit, like feeding time or washing time or something, but just sitting there with them for so long is really hard.  Part of the reason why I like Sanyu is that it is a lot more organized than Nsambya and I know the kids get enough care and attention, and their brains are stimulated.  (At least most of them.)  However, it is really hard to sit there in a room of 15 babies when there are about 20 volunteers all wanting to hold one.  I just feel useless there sometimes.  After a little while of watching other volunteers steal the babies I was playing with originally, I finally stood up and started taking some pictures.  This brought me so much joy.  I really love the photographs I am able to take here, and to see the joy on other’s faces when I catch one of their precious moments.  After discovering that our ministry was officially allowed to take pictures, I went outside to take some more pictures and saw that we were having song-time with the 2 and 3 year olds.  I officially love the toddlers at Sanyu.  They are so crazy and absolutely hilarious.  I spent a lot of the time taking pictures of my friend Emily, since it was her last day in Uganda. 

After visiting Sanyu, we came home and had lunch and then had our planning meeting, probably the quickest meeting we’ve had yet.  I spent the rest of the day hanging out with Emily and some others before she left. 

Oh my word, I never thought losing a friend that I made in probably less than a month would be so hard.  We had our goodbye prayer circle for Emily, Jessie, and Kevin, and then me and my friend Jenna went with them to the airport.  As for Jessie, she was the one who came with me on my flight to Uganda; I am now the only person left who came the same time as me.  Kevin, he was really great because he was incredibly sarcastic all the time, but if you pulled him away he was really wise and really good to talk to.  But Emily, oh goodness.  She was someone I just felt myself with.  I really believe we will be friends long after this trip, and I can only pray this will happen.  She is truly an incredible person.  I think I have stayed pretty strong this entire month, but once I got home and realized the person I always went to was gone, I just broke down.  I feel really bad for the 5 new people who are here, because I know that first week is really challenging, and I am not doing very much to help them transition. 

Today we went to Modern Infants Primary School again, and it was really fun and crazy as usual.  Afterwards we had lunch and went to King Solomon’s Secondary School in Kyambogo.  I have to admit, when we got there I got another wave of sadness at my friend leaving because she and I had some fun times together at this school.  I think this week is going to be my breaking point, all of it. 

Anyways, I really enjoyed the program we did there, and then afterwards we stayed after to talk with a few of them before they had to go to class.  I got to talking to some girls, one named Fiona and another named Maureen.  Fiona was really stylish (or as they say here, “smart”) and said she wanted to be a journalist.  Fiona started to get a little bored of me I think, and she left to talk to someone else, so I got to talk with Maureen.  Her story and the absolute reality of the suffering here hit me like a ton of bricks, causing me to leave the school with tears in my eyes, angry that I still can’t think of anything I can do to help her.  I asked her how she was, what year she was in school, all the usual questions, however when I had been through all these questions we still had a little time left.  I asked her how her life was, and if she would tell me about her family.  She started to get emotional as she told me that she was in Senior 5 (one year before she graduates from secondary) but she is never sure if she will be able to make it to graduation.  Her family comes from a village far away from her school, though both of her parents died when she was young.  She had an older brother who was 23, and three younger sisters.  Her older brother is working to pay for Maureen’s education, though he himself has not been educated past P.6 (6^th grade).  Her sisters were not in school because their brother could only afford one at a time.  She constantly feels pressured to do well in school and get a good paying job to pay back her brother and help him care for their sisters.  The tone in her voice was so genuinely desperate that my eyes started filling with tears just listening to her.  I asked if her family was Christian, and if she herself was “born-again” she said she was, and then she asked me to pray for her and her family and to continue praying for them even after we left that day.  I did so, though I didn’t feel like I deserved to because I knew that I had much more than her materially, but I still could not think of a way to help her and her family.  She then brought me to her classroom and had me pray for her extremely immature classmates, I won’t explain the harsh adjectives used here because in comparison to the story I had just heard, the comments I got from some of her classmates infuriated me.  She held my hand the entire rest of the time as I asked her more questions about her family, searching for a way in.  The only things I can think of are to sponsor her until she finishes school and then move on to sponsor her sisters and brother in the same way once she has graduated.  However, there is a girl in the Acholi squatter’s area that I was thinking of sponsoring already, so I’m completely unsure of what to do.  I don’t think I’ve ever been that silent in the car ride on the way home.

Later on we actually did go and visit the squatter's home, and I was torn even more when little Josephine, the girl I was thinking about sponsoring, asked the first person out of the car where I was.  When she saw me step out of the car she ran up to me and jumped in my arms.  She refused to let go, burying her head in my shoulder, as I asked her how school was, how she was, how her parents were.  She answered all my questions after which I whispered into her ear, “Nkwagala nyo nyo Josephine” which means: “I love you so so much Josephine” in Luganda.  She turned her head towards my right ear and whispered, “Nkwagala Emily.”  This was the highlight of my visit there, as afterwards it got a little chaotic and my strength was tested once again.  We had gone at a time where the kids were just getting back from school.  Needless to say, all the mzungus at these slum houses attracted a lot of attention from the kids coming home from school, and even the ones who didn’t live there came to say hello.  Some of them came for legitimate reasons, because they wanted to play and be loved on, while others came to see what they could steal from the mzungus.  It broke my heart as I heard one of our girls tell Vanessa, who passed the message onto me, that the kids from school were making fun of them and were stealing the gifts we had passed out.  It was absolutely chaotic, and it was so frustrating because if we had just organized it a little better before jumping straight into it, it would have worked out so well.  This is one of my frustrations, many of the Ugandans do not communicate with each other or with the American MST’s very well, and it causes many of our projects to fail or not run as smoothly as we would like.  Vanessa apologized to our kids before we left, and our hearts broke when they immediately began telling us about their lives, only for us to cut them short because we had to go.  We promised we would be back soon.  I am praying that the other kids who witnessed us talking and playing with them will not tease them in school and will not rob their houses searching for the gifts the white people gave to them. 

I have cried at least once every day this week, and I don’t see an end nearing.  He is showing me His heart for His children, which is beautiful.  But He is also showing me how it feels when His heart is broken over them, which is excruciating.

sabbath.

I really needed this weekend, which I took as a Sabbath and a time to get some things that I have been meaning to do.  It seriously refilled and refreshed me, and got me re-excited for the ministry God has called me to do here.  

In the morning, I got to write a letter to one of the girls I have gotten really close with and will really miss, which was good because she was gone visiting her sponsor kid in Luweero and I haven’t had time to do it since she’s always around.  I also ordered a copy of the devotional I brought that my mentor had given to me because she really likes when I share with her the things that the Lord is teaching me through it, and I really feel like it would bless her a lot.  Then the people who didn’t go on safari, rafting, or bungee jumping that day all went into town to get some last minute (for them) gifts from the craft market, and a few of them went out to eat while 3 of us returned to the house for lunch.  

After lunch, I hung around the house a little bit and answered some e-mails and just relaxed.  I went outside to the backyard and had the God-time I had been craving.  I didn’t even realize I was sitting out there for about an hour and a half.  It amazes me how incredibly spot-on this devotional book has been for my trip.  I also tried to journal a bit in my prayer journal I brought, but that took a long time.  It seriously helped a lot though because I ended up sorting out a lot of things that have been running through my mind simply by writing down on paper exactly what has been in my head.  

After this, I sat back and closed my eyes for a little meditative prayer time.  This is something I absolutely love in my relationship with Christ.  When I take the time to do this, he blesses me richly, and I was excited that I would finally get to do it here.  It’s really hard to explain, but basically this time was a lot different than usual and I started to freak out.  However, I really feel it is simply because of my change in location, but not in the way you are thinking.  My space in this world, my role in this generation is changing, and therefore I am changing.    

In this time with the Lord, I was reminded of a poem a good friend of mine recently wrote and shared in her blog.  It was so inspiring and beautiful, and dealt with a lot of things going on in my head right now.  I felt God nudging me to try something like that, so I asked for His hand to guide mine in my journal, and I simply began writing.  The words just came out.  They flowed out of my pen, onto my journal, in a poetic fashion that I have never been able to do on my own.  There are still some things I think I want to add or delete here and there, but once it is perfected, I will post it.  This piece of prose, poetry, whatever you want to call it was really special for me to read because I know it was not me who wrote it.  I read the words that His Spirit formed and am stunned into awe.  I now know my purpose here, and it’s not this huge revelation or anything, but I know at least one reason why I am here this summer.  I know His will and plan is perfect, and I know what He is trying to teach me, at least right now.  I won’t give it all away just yet though, maybe in my next post.  

I left this time with God fully refreshed and invigorated, ready for ministry.  I felt joyful and I wanted people to notice that it was not my joy, but His.  I saw the neighbor kids, Rihanna & Jeremiah (3 & 4 years old, respectively) and decided to take some time out of my day to play with them.  That was SO much fun!  They are absolutely crazy, and it is easy to invest in them since they live right next door, and are related to one of the Ugandan volunteers, so they are at the house all the time.  I am really excited to invest in them over the next month of my stay.  

This morning we went to St. Kakumba Chapel in Kyambogo, and thank the Lord we only had to attend the service.  It ended up being a really great service because this woman preached and she was really funny and was easy to pay attention to, plus the content of her sermon was really deep and insightful.  The rest of the day we just hung out around the house, those of us who didn’t go on safari this weekend.  Vanessa and I decided to go back and visit the squatters, but this time we brought my laptop, some sweets, and The Lion King DVD.  It was SO cute to watch them watching the movie.  The little ones would giggle as Timon & Pumba started singing about fuyes (farts), while the older ones would translate what was happening to them.  It was possibly one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.  Then after the movie was over, we had about a half-hour before we had to get back, and they wanted to sing and dance for us as they always do.  It was really cool because they did a traditional Acholi dance, and I felt like a proud mother as I videotaped them haha.  

I’m very excited to post my “purpose” post, but I want to save it until I have my piece of prose perfected.  Tomorrow we are going to the Babies Homes in the morning and then spending the afternoon planning the week.  Plus, this Saturday I will be attending a traditional Ugandan wedding ceremony.  However, this is not the actual wedding.  In their culture, they have an “Introduction Ceremony” before the wedding.  This basically serves the same purpose as an engagement party; only it is a way bigger deal than the actual wedding day.  Every attendee must wear the traditional dress, according to the bride’s tribe, and there are certain rituals that we will have to learn: how to kneel correctly, when to kneel, how to dance, when to dance, etc.  This ceremony is set in place for the families of the bride and groom to be officially introduced to each other, and when I say families I mean full-extended-cousins-of-cousins kind of families.  They find it really important to have as many people as possible at the Introduction so they have more people that will hold them accountable to keep their marriage strong, and bear witness to their vows.  This is also the time when the groom presents the dowry to the bride’s parents.  Yes, they still use a dowry system here.  Only most of the time they don’t use money, they use cows.  So the groom will either present the family with all cows, cows and some goats, maybe some chickens and fruits, and definitely a little bit of money in there as well.  This is why it takes so long for a Ugandan man to marry, because cows here are very expensive and some parents are very picky about the dowry.  I’m not sure what Sarah’s dowry is, but I am excited to see this traditional transaction.  I will also be leaving for safari on Sunday the 26th in the morning, and will be returning on Tuesday, so there won’t be any posts during that time.  I love you all, and I hope you are bearing with my super long posts, but most of all I hope you are blessed by them!

In His Perfect Love,

Em

helping kids in need

This morning we visited Kyambogo Primary School, which is where the kids who live in the squatters’ houses go to school.  My group went with the kids from p.1 to p.3 (equivalent to 1st-3rd grades) and I got to see Josephine again!  She is so precious; I just love her.  It was really weird though because when we visit her at home, she is absolutely NUTS.  She is the one dancing in the corner, completely off-beat, hoping no one is watching her, and then giggles with possibly the cutest laugh I’ve ever heard when she sees me laughing at her.  However, at school she was really calm, most likely because she didn’t want to get caned by her teacher (yes, they still cane children in the schools here) so it was really weird to see that side of her.  But she still was cute as can be and hugged me upon leaving.  I’m really praying about whether I should sponsor her or someone on the waiting list.  

This afternoon we went to Kids In Need, an open-door policy orphanage of sorts in the area.  Basically, street children are allowed to live and go to school there, but they are also allowed to leave whenever they want.  We were supposed to help them paint some of the structures within the facility but we didn’t have any paint ready, so for a few hours we sat around and played with some of the kids.  It was really fun because there is this one boy Peter who is so amazing.  You can just tell he as a joy that can only come from the Lord.  We saw him last time and he just smiles and dances all the time, always asks how you are and wants to talk with you and learn from you.  He is simply amazing.  He taught me an African card game, which I promptly beat him at, and I taught him an American card game, which he beat me at.  It was really fun just hanging out and talking with him.  We finally got the paint with only about 2 hours left in our visit time, but we only had like 2 or 3 paintbrushes, so I ended up just playing with the kids for longer.  

Not much more to comment on, but I was definitely relieved to have a more relaxed day today.

good day.

Today was a really good day.

Sorry to everyone who has been disappointed by the frustrations in my last posts, I am trying to keep this blog as honest as possible, and if this is the case, 2 months in a foreign place is most likely going to have a few frustrations.  

In the morning we went to the Babies Homes, and I returned to Nsambya.  It was really nice to just sit with the "moms" and peel potatoes, and then just hold babies.  Really relaxing, seriously.

Then in the afternoon we got to return to the Remand Home.  I was very eager about this because I had bought some things for Irene, including a Luganda Bible, knickers, and a towel.  On my way there I said a little prayer, that she wouldn't be there.  She was innocent and had her court date on Wednesday and I was hoping she would be released.  But I was also hoping I would get to see her.  When I got there, I scanned the room and couldn't find her.  I sat down uncomfortably in our usual spot in the classroom, the first time I had felt awkward there.  A girl, Susan, who was friends with Irene came and sat beside me.  I asked her how she had been, and if she knew where Irene was.  She told me her court date was actually today, so that was why she was not here.  We then started the program and it was absolutely insane.  The kids went crazy and it was so much fun to worship with them.  They were dancing, jumping, drumming, shaking like it was their job and it was so much fun to see their smiling faces despite their unfortunate circumstances.  After the message, I started talking to Susan again, asking why she was here and if she would get a chance to get released like the others.  She told me that she had been working for someone for 6 months and had not received any pay.  She decided to ask her boss about it, and he reported her for stealing his money.  She said the judge even acknowledged that he was using her for child labour, something that is unfortunately very common here, but she was still sentenced to serve her term at the Remand Home.  She said she was going to be there until August 19.  All of a sudden, this girl who was just glowing with joy, came bounding into the classroom, and I noticed it was Irene.  She was no longer in her uniform, but in daily clothes.  She ran over to me and gave me a huge hug, with an incredible smile to follow, as she screamed for joy that she had been released.  She was going to stay in Remand Home for a while until she could get money to take her home to Entebbe, and then she would be free to go.  I had never seen her so happy and excited, and when we talked she didn't whisper to me out of embarrassment, she spoke as loud as she could with such joy.  However, she had just spent the entire day in court so she was really hungry, so I let her go and eat after giving her the things I brought her.  I started talking to Susan again, and she told me that she really wanted a Bible.  I guess this caused me to realize how much of a baby I have been here.  Before I left for this trip, the Lord laid it on my heart to use a certain decently large portion of my money for Bibles.  I was going to buy them beforehand, but the people here suggested I wait as some of them can only read Luganda.  As of now, what 4 weeks into my stay here?  I have only bought one Bible.  I also realize that there are so many people here who are just craving love and attention, and yet I am trying to limit myself to one or two people at each project we go to.  This is the reason why I agreed to buy her a Bible, and will be buying some more Bibles for a friend who can't afford to buy ones for the kids she has connected with.  I've decided to become more proactive in fulfilling at least one of the roles God has set for me here, because it is so easy and it is a huge seed that can definitely be grown with the correct resources.  As we were about to leave, Irene came back from eating and ran and gave me a huge hug.  She said to me: "Emily, will you just pray for me right now, now is a time to rejoice!"  I eagerly agreed, and asked her if there was anything specific she wanted prayer for.  She thought for a few seconds then said: "No.  You just pray whatever you feel is in your heart."  This just astounded me.  Almost every child I have prayed for has asked for something, for God to provide their school fees is the main one, but I've even gotten one asking me to pray they will get an American sponsor.  But this girl, who was just released from juvenile detention, had no money to get back home, no parents back at home (she lives with her aunt), and no other family members, had left school because of being arrested and didn't know how she would be received when she returned to school, she didn't have anything that she felt like she needed prayer for.  She simply felt blessed that she had been released.  I prayed for her, gave her another huge hug through her outstanding joy, and left, possibly with a portion of her own joy.  

Later today, me and Vanessa decided to take a boda-boda to visit the Acholi squatters to give them the vaseline we bought for them and see how they were doing.  We got there and immediately all the kids we had seen before raced up to us and gave us a huge hug.  Even the moms smiled and waved at us before coming over and greeting us.  I just love how connected we are with that place, and how amazing those kids are.  We gave the gift to the eldest child, since she is responsible for getting the kids ready for school in the morning, and she said she would try to distribute it equally amongst them all.  I felt really bad because it seemed that my two jars of vaseline were a pitiful gift in comparison with what they need, but they were grateful still.  We couldn't stay long, but we promised we would come back on Sunday and visit after church.  Vanessa suggested to me that we bring a laptop with a movie and some ice cream for them, just as a little party since Vanessa is leaving soon and all her weekends already have things planned.  I am so excited to get to do this with them.  

Also, just as a little update on the team, we just got a few more people in as the other two left, and one is from NORTHERN IRELAND.  It is the coolest thing ever, and I know I sound like a nerd, but I could just listen to her talk all day.  I guess I knew there was an Irish accent from movies and such, but I always pictured them as fake.  She is very outgoing and bubbly and I just love being around her.  Yes, she has already said I can visit her when I am in Europe this spring.  So now I will be visiting my friend Hannah in Bristol, England; Amy Larder in South Hampton, England; Amy Kyle's parents in London, England; and Amy Kyle in Liverpool, England (where she goes to University) and in Belfast, Northern Ireland.  I am so excited.  I have also found out that one of the Ugandans who I have gotten very close with will be doing some ministry in Bath, England for a year, so I will get to visit her as well which is so exciting!  While all these newbies are very exciting, it means that many of the ones I have connected with are leaving.  I am sad to see many of them go, as five of them leave on Monday and five come in on Tuesday, but I am excited to meet more people and hear more stories.  There are so many incredible people in this world, and I am proud to say that I know a good few handfuls of them.  

wednesday

Today was a better day than it has been recently.  We went to Katalemwa Children's Hospital this morning, and instead of working in the kitchen, and with the moms like I had previously, we got to actually work with the kids.  It was incredible.  These kids were so severely disabled that almost all of them had some form of cast or a metal casing with pins that went through their bones, stabilizing their legs, arms, whatever was the case.  It was so incredible as I was walking to the classroom, led by a little boy named Peter with casts on both of his legs, he stopped and dropped his crutches, flinging himself onto my legs for support.  He begged to be held and I carried him into the classroom and sat him in his chair.  This was obviously not what he wanted because he instantly stood up on his casts and hobbled over to me, where he then begged to be held and sit on my lap.  He stayed there pretty much the whole time, and he was so cute.  He was just craving love so much.  I also was blessed when I turned around to set Peter in his chair before I left, and I looked up and saw about 25 drawings by different children of Jesus.  Jesus on the cross, Jesus holding a child, His Name written in a heart with a child's handwriting spelling out trustingly "I love my Jesus, the Son of God, my Savior."  These kids are so amazing.

We then went back to Cityside Secondary school afterwards, which was a school we had been to more than once.  The Scripture Union there is absolutely incredible.  There are so many kids who go, and the Spirit is alive in that place.  One of the girls in my group gave a message that was definitely something that at least a few of them understand and experience in their lives.  It was really powerful.  

After lunch we went to Kyambogo College where I got to play cards with some kids and talk a little with Lydia, though not for very long because she was playing basketball.  

Then tonight, for dinner, a few of us went to the Ndere Cultural Centre where we got to see a show where a bunch of traditional African dancers performed all of the tribal dances and did some drumming.  It was SO cool!  Plus, we got pulled up to the front to dance and I was told that I can dance like a Ugandan really well, so that was really cool.  I swear their butts move as if they were a separate entity from their bodies.  

Other than the strength of the kids at Katalemwa, and the incredible faith I got the pleasure to witness there, I'm not sure I have much more to add.  However, I am excited for tomorrow because not only will I get to go to the Babies Home in the morning, but I will get to see Irene at the Remand Home in the afternoon and give her the things she asked for.  I am also going to see if me and a friend can go back to the Acholi squatters' houses because I bought them some vaseline and soap.  (The reason why this is a really legitimate gift is that African skin needs to be moisturized with vaseline directly after bathing otherwise it gets really cracked, and last time we were there it was heartbreaking to see their poor legs so cut up from extreme dryness.)  I also drove by their houses today, and they saw me and got really excited and started waving, even their mum.  

tired&weary.

Where to begin?

My mind continues to race as I am here, and I'm not even sure what this post will be about yet.  I guess we'll see though. 

On Friday we did some door-to-door evangelism in one of the slums in Banda, near Kyambogo.  I was really nervous, as I always am, but this time I got to do it with some people who I felt really comfortable around.  I told them of my fear of evangelism (I wonder if this is a legit phobia?) and the guy who was with me said he would lead at the first couple of houses, but he wanted me to just try leading it once in order to conquer my fear.  I told him maybe.  We went to the first two houses and my partner did a really great job.  However, it is so hard to tell if these seeds have been planted, and it is something I struggle with here a lot.  One of my love languages is words of affirmation, so not seeing the results of our work all the time is really hard.  At the next house, my partner insisted I lead this time.  We went into a woman's household and from the minute we sat down, she began telling us about how much she loved the Lord and how He has just been so good to her in her life.  I could just tell she was so genuine about her passion for Jesus, so instead of walking through the gospel with her, I decided to tell her a generalized version of my testimony.  I asked the Spirit to lead my words, and ended up talking about how the Christian walk isn't always easy, and that God didn't promise it would be, but that there is always a purpose that is worth it in the end as long as we set our sights on Christ.  Then we will be able to see blessings even in the hardest situations.  She seemed genuinely blessed by this, and my partner decided to read a verse to her from Romans.  She got so excited about this verse that she asked us for a pen and paper so she could write it down and study it later.  She shared a little bit about how the Lord was working in her life, and I just saw a joy in her, despite the fact that she was living in a slum where her house gets torn down every year by the government, it inspired and awed me so much.  

Saturday was a free day and a bunch of us went to the craft market in town.  There are so many cool things here, I love it.  

Sunday we went to Kyampisi as the entire team to help with the service, and it was good and frustrating at the same time.  We ended up staying from about 9 am to 6 pm, which was the frustrating part.  The service lasted probably like 4 hours, but luckily I helped with Sunday school, so I was constantly busy.  We then presented a woman who attends the church, Maggie, with a new sewing machine.  She is deaf and mute and sewing is the only way she makes an income, but just recently her old machine had broke.  This was incredible to see her so joyful over something that was so simple.  We also visited the school that Peter (the Ugandan who works with Empower-A-Child and who started Kyampisi Community Church) was building for the kids in the area.  Then we ate lunch at a woman's house and with many of the kids from the church.  Lastly, a boy who has already left decided to buy coffee plants for a couple sponsored kid's families to provide them with a way to make income.  I just love all the beauty in the brokenness of that village.  There was also one precious moment I had with a little girl who was 2 years old.  She was wearing a purple dress, and I'm not sure I ever pronounced her name correctly, but she was hilarious.  She would not stop talking, all in Luganda of course, and even though I could not understand a word she said I thought it was the funniest thing.  I kept trying to make up in my head what she was telling me, and it was so funny to joke around with her when she couldn't even understand me.  Then, I started tickling her and kissing her belly, her cheeks, her forehead.  Finally she grabbed my face with her two little hands and stared me straight in the eyes for a few seconds.  She quickly brought my face to hers and gave me a huge kiss.  I just about died of love for her.  

Today was an awesome day for the most part.  This morning we said goodbye to two volunteers who had come with me on my flight.  To know that an entire month has already gone by is mind boggling.  I feel I have so much left to learn and understand here that I'm not sure I'll get in just 4 more weeks. 

After the first boy left, we were given the choice to either go to Sanyu Babies Home or Nsambya.  I had been to Nsambya the first time and really really hated it.  It is so unorganized because they don't have many people helping them, and the kids just pee everywhere all the time.  It smells disgusting.  However, the other boy who was going to be leaving later that day really loved a boy at Nsambya so we all decided to go with him to help them out.  I now have a much greater love for this place than before.  Sanyu Babies Home is very organized and has a set schedule that is kept every single day, which is really good.  The babies are so obedient there and have developed so much faster than an American baby because of all the activities and rules Sanyu has set in place to most effectively raise them.  However, two of the rules are that volunteers are not supposed to hold them unless feeding the little babies, and we are not supposed to take pictures of the kids.  This is simply to prevent them becoming attached to someone who isn't going to be taking them home, and I'm not entirely sure about the camera rule.  At Nsambya, there are not many rules.  You simply go in, do whatever you see a need for, and if the "mamas" need help, they will ask you.  I thoroughly enjoyed this freedom as we walked into the classroom and all the toddlers screamed for joy and threw their little bodies onto our legs, begging to be loved.  I have had a talk with one of my best friends at home about kids and how much they need loving touches, simply for their own mental health.  I was reminded of this as each kid I saw stretched out a hand to be touched, held, kissed, played with, anything.  I held a toddler named Christine today, I had held her the first time I visited as well, so it was cool to see she remembered me.  She is a little spitfire.  I would make funny faces at her, and she would return the same face to me.  I even taught her how to raspberry.  Multiple times she would grab my face and kiss my cheeks, wrap her little arms around my waist while resting her head in my chest.  It was so precious and I absolutely fell in love with her.  But the thing that did the trick, was one time as she was stroking my cheeks, she whispered "Emily."  She really did remember me.  I was so blessed, and pretty much freaked out asking everyone if they had heard what she had said.  Soon after though, the "mamas" needed help with the little babies, feeding and changing them.  So I did that and ended up with the happiest baby - Josephine.  She was adorable, and after having her bottle, she fell asleep with her head in my chest, arms around my neck.  I just really appreciated this ministry today because I don't stress out about it as much.  At the schools, I am constantly worrying about what I should, say, do, dress like, act in order to reflect Christ to these kids, but at the Babies Homes all I have to do is pay attention to them and love them with the love of Christ which, trust me, is not a hard job.  I just really needed this break to get refreshed and excited again about my ministry here.  

The rest of the day was just spent relaxing and planning out the next week.  I really needed some chill time, but I had an unpleasant surprise waiting to happen that night.  We had been planning to go to Kyambogo that night, and I told Lydia that I would most likely be back, but I can never be sure because Uganda is always uncertain with planning.  However, just a cultural difference here that is so unbelievably frustrating, is that Ugandans don't understand the term "maybe."  This might seem strange, and trivial, but it really is a big deal.  You can tell someone you "might" do something later on, and you just promised them you would do it.  This makes talking about any form of the future, near or far, really difficult.  You can say to a Ugandan I "may" come tomorrow, and they will be disappointed when you don't show.  However, you can't say you will for sure, because you don't want to promise them and fall short, but you don't want to say no, because you don't want them to just not show up.  You can also say to a Ugandan that "maybe" God will lead me back to Uganda after college for long-term, and in saying that, you have just signed your life to coming back and living/working with them after graduation.  Yes this is all true.  Yes both of these cases have happened to me so far, plus many more, and it is SO frustrating!  

So, when I was just unwinding from the crazy week we had, I really was not in the mood for talking or being crazy outgoing, when one of the volunteers returned with a ton of kids from Kyambogo, two of which were Lydia and Matovu.  I am ashamed to say I immediately wished they weren't there, I was not in the mood to be able to minister to them effectively, and I just wanted a break.  They both sat next to me, Lydia with a look on her face as a mixture of anger and disappointment.  The first thing she said to me was "you deceived us."  This just broke my heart.  I had told them I "might" come and see them on Monday, but I couldn't be sure, and it ended up working out that I couldn't go.  Therefore, they thought I had broken my promise, since they assumed my uncertainty was actually very certain.  I apologized to them over and over again, but to be honest, I am simply worn out.  The directors have jam-packed our schedules so much, and I am spiritually, physically, emotionally exhausted.  I am ashamed to say I was happy when they left soon after because I have had just about no time to unwind and think, which is something that I definitely need right now.  

I guess I just really, desperately, need a Sabbath.  In this culture, they have grown up not having time to stop and think because they have to accomplish so much in a day's time.  I feel like even Sundays with this organization haven't been really a "day of rest" because we get asked to run Sunday School or do some sort of serving at the church, which is good, but honestly, I am exhausted and I need a break.

...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

Today was a bit emotional for me, I have been feeling this coming on for a while now, and I think today might have been the breaking point.  I have learned that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.  That it is easy for people to tell what I am feeling, how I am, without even asking.  I have tried to hide this feeling for about 3 days now, and every day I try to hide it.  Today one good friend of mine sat next to me and bluntly said, "You don't hide your feelings very well, stop telling everyone you're fine, I know you're not, we all know you're not.  What's wrong?"

My mind races, and the weirdest part about this feeling is I can't pinpoint the one thing that is truly bothering me.

Though I am in love with this country, these people, this culture, there are many things that are frustrating me right now.  One of the main ministries we do is that we visit primary and secondary schools and do what we call a "program" for the Scripture Union or just for the kids.  Though I like our program (praise&worship, opening prayer, message, closing prayer) it is beginning to feel routine, and it feels as if there is no room for the Spirit to move in these times.  I also really believe in listening to the kids and meeting their needs, and sharing applicable things with them, and the "program" does not leave a lot of time for this.  I guess just all day I was sitting here, contemplating my purpose here, and I realized that I did not have any personal relationships with one kid in particular.  I talk to many volunteers here who have connected quite a bit with at least one kid and have been able to watch them grow and encourage them in faith and that is something that I desperately want.  I'm not sure if it's selfish or not, but that's just something I would like to do for someone, just for affirmation that I really did touch someone's life here.  I was praying and praying about this so hard, and finally I just gave up.  I really felt tempted by the devil in that moment to become negative about my time here, to think that me being here is doing nothing, and I began dwelling on past frustrations that were so trivial it didn't even make sense that my mind was bringing them up again.  This made me so upset and sad and frustrated that almost every person I talked to annoyed me.  I just prayed God would give me a good attitude, or at least help me to fake a good attitude (which I'm not sure He agreed to this prayer, maybe He would if I changed the wording a bit, because even typing this now seems silly and selfish) throughout our projects today.  

Sanyu Babies Home was good, but it was a little frustrating because I only got to play with the kids for probably the first hour we were there, and then the rest of the time was spent sorting clothes and putting them away.  However, I got to do this with a volunteer I have really come to love and respect a lot, so that was good.  

We then were supposed to go to the Remand Home.  I'm not sure I have written about this project yet, but the last time I went I had a really hard time with it.  The Remand Home is basically a juvenile detention center, however, the way the justice system works here, people are guilty until proven innocent.  So there are many people in this detention center who have not done anything wrong, but are still staying in the prison for longer than they deserve to.  The people who run this center also many times make up excuses to not take these kids to their court dates, causing them to stay in this place even longer.  However, there are some legitimate criminals in there as well.  The main cases are robbery, defilement (rape), and murder.  This is also flawed, as many of those who are innocent learn from these criminals that it is actually okay to commit crimes, and they return home worse off than before.  The last time I went, I have to admit I was scared out of my mind, so I didn't try very hard to reach many of the kids, but God had other plans.  There was a girl who sat by me and tried to talk to me, though her English was quite broken.  We didn't talk about anything too deep or spiritual, but she did tell me why she was there.  One of her friends had gotten angry with her, so she reported to the police that Irene (this is the girl's name) had stolen her ball.  I had completely forgotten about this encounter until this morning when I realized we were returning to the Remand Home.  Once we got there, I sat down in the area I had sat before, and within five minutes Irene came and sat beside me.  "Do you remember me?  What is my name?"  I told her I did remember her, and that her name was Irene, and she was obviously very pleased.  I had brought her some candy, because I know she had been wanting some cookies or candy since the food there is very bland, and she seemed very grateful.  I asked her how she had been the past two weeks and if she had done anything interesting, and she informed me that she was supposed to have her court date last week but the van wasn't working so she missed it.  She had it rescheduled for next Wednesday.  I talked to her only a little more, and we began our program.  She seemed much more alive today than the last time I saw her, as she sang each praise&worship song with much more joy than before.  One of the volunteers gave a really powerful message, that I can only pray really touched some of the kids' hearts.  Though I'm sure it did, because it caused even me to get tears in my eyes at this beautiful girl speaking with such purpose behind some really traumatic events from her past.  I talked with Irene a little bit afterwards, when all of a sudden she pulled out something from her pocket.  She put two bracelets on my wrist that she had made for me.  The last time I was here, I commented on her necklace and she tried to give it to me but I refused because it was hers.  She promised me she would make me one for next time.  I can't believe she remembered.  She then told me that any day I wanted to visit her, I could come.  I asked when she wanted me to come, and she told me Tuesday so I could see her before her court date.  She also asked if I could get her some underwear, a towel, and sugar for her tea and porridge.  I readily agreed to do so if it was possible, and am still figuring out if I will be able to see her on Tuesday.  I also asked if she had her Bible with her at Remand, and she said she was not allowed to bring it with her.  I offered to buy her a Bible in Luganda, and she smiled and said she would really like that.  We then had to go, so I said my goodbyes and left a lot more joyful.  

God completely provided my joy.  He gave me Irene, this girl I am now invested into, to give me a purpose for at least right now.  I am also so eager to buy her this Bible, as I hope this will start some conversation about how the Lord has worked in her life.  She was shy when I asked her questions such as these last time, but I think she is trusting me more now that I have returned and specifically talked with her again.  I also, just about five minutes ago, read the message in my devotional book today, and I wish I would have read it this morning.  It specifically spoke into what I was struggling with today, as it often supernaturally, amazingly does, and would have really helped.  I still feel the desire to be a little more mellow than I have been in the past few days, but I think that's just me.  I love people, but at the same time I love to be alone, just me and God, and that is something that is really hard to come by in a house filled with over 20 very loud personalities, and is something I have been craving for a while now.

squatters

Today was an amazing day.  We first went to Sanyu Babies Home where we got to play with the kids, and I am very excited because I am finally beginning to be able to recognize each of the babies by name.  When we got back home we planned out the week as to which groups were going where and who would be speaking, etc.

The plans for the afternoon were set to go to Kyambogo to play basketball, and I was going to go so I could see Lydia and another boy named Matovu (who I have nicknamed Matoke, a traditional Ugandan meal).  However, me and a friend Vanessa have been wanting to return to a place near Kyambogo for a while now and we decided to see if we could go there this afternoon.  This place is right next to the Bugandan King's palace in Kyambogo.  

Let me just explain this a little bit, Uganda has a president and a Parliament and Kings.  The President (Museveni, currently) has the most authority over the country and finalizes all decisions.  The Kings are the descendants of the chiefs of all the different tribes in Uganda.  So there is a Bugandan King for the Bugandan tribe, an Acholi King for the Acholi tribe, etc.  The Parliament is made up of people elected from all of these tribes as well as the Kings and has a say in certain issues.  

Let's go back, so we wanted to go back to a place right next to the King's palace.  These people are actually Acholis (traditionally found in the North) who are called "squatters" because they are technically living on the King's land even though many have lived there all of their lives.  It was so much fun today because there was no "program," we didn't have a specific game plan, we just hung out with the kids.  We let them play with bubbles and I swear that could have kept them occupied for ages.  We then brought some yarn and bead and let them make necklaces and bracelets.  It was so precious to watch them make something so simple and see how much joy it brought them.  There was one girl, the same one I got attached to last time, who ran up to me and gave me a huge hug.  She refused to let go of my hand and whenever I would let go she would throw her whole body onto my lap, clasping my waist and smiling, begging to be kissed and tickled.  It was so precious and I can't wait to go back and see her again.  I also got to see little Josephine who I met at church two weekends ago.  I found out she lived there with her 11 brothers and sisters who we had met the first time we went.  It was so precious to hang out with them, sing with them, dance with them, play with them, and pray with them.  The mother and father were so happy to see us and were sad to see us leave, we promised we would come back.  

That's all I have for today.  Not too many insightful things, just overwhelming joy despite all circumstances.

harsh realities.

Yesterday I got my head braided, or as they call it here, plaited.  This was simply for conveniences sake, because now I don't have to shower as often, and when I do I do not have to wash my hair, shortening my showers, and saving money on shampoo and conditioner.  The person who did my hair was a friend of one of the Ugandan volunteers who works with Empower-A-Child named Rita.  It was my first time using what the Ugandans call a boda-boda, which is basically a motorcycle taxi where you sit on the back a motorcycle and pay the driver once you have reached your destination.  Most of the volunteers here are scared of taking a boda-boda because the people here simply do not follow any sort of traffic laws.  The boda-bodas weave in and out of cars the entire way, without ever stopping.  However, I don't know what it is here, but I have had a sense of peace in every situation I have been thrown into.  The ride was incredible.  It was so cool to be able to see a part of this beautiful country in that way.  I felt completely free and adventurous.

This leads me to another thought that I may have mentioned before, my adventurous spirit is absolutely flourishing here.  Each time I step out of the gate there is a new adventure to conquer.  First of all, the gate in itself reminds me of a secret passageway leading to a strange and exciting place I've never seen before.  It is a sheet of iron with a tiny door in the center that you have to duck under to get out.  To get to the city you must wind through rows and rows of houses and shops, climbing the red dusty piles of sand and rock, jumping over potholes, bricks, or merchant's items.  I absolutely love it.

Backtracking now, after sitting with my head in Rita's friends lap for five hours while she plaited my hair, I asked Rita to show me her home.  I keep forgetting that our way of life is so different from theirs because to me, I do not see them as any different from myself.  So when I stepped into Rita's home and noticed the lack of electricity, the kitchen being the size of my pantry, the bedroom that once housed 4 boys at one time being as big as my brother's room, and each room only furnished with what was necessary (a mattress, some bowls, and clothes) I was shocked.  How quickly I forget that it is not only these children that are less fortunate than myself, but also the people I work with and love like brothers and sisters.

I know it has only been two weeks here, but something I'm struggling with is the fact that I cannot truly invest in every kid I meet.  We go to so many "projects" during the day and we meet so many awesome kids, each of whom I remember their names, and I may never see them again.  I think this is different for me though since in my first week we went to Gulu, and we will be leaving again for Luwero next week.  I have talked to a few people who have been here for a while longer, and they have been able to invest in the same kids at the different projects for a while, but they do agree that it is so hard to do this effectively when our time with them is so limited.  However, I have been reassured that I will see some of these kids many times again.  I long to see Lydia, little Josephine who I met today at church, Irene at the Remand Home, and Yella, but I won't have the chance to for at least a week, if at all.  

I think that will be all for now, but again, there is much going on in my mind that I have yet to sort out.  I will continue to try though.

In Love-

Emily  

the days go by

Before I tell you the events of my days, I would like to comment on something I love about this country.  The days pass so slowly.  Each day I only worry about the present moment.  These people are so blessed in that their lives require them to live presently as Jesus has called us to do.

Yesterday, we did not have running water.  I decided to not take a shower, because my feet always get covered with the red dirt instantly anyways so I thought I could wait.  However, I jokingly asked one of my Ugandan friends Collin to pray that we would have running water.  I'm not sure he got my sarcasm (well, I really was praying for running water...) because he got really quiet.  I asked him what was going on and he said, "I was just thinking about how you Americans always just expect everything to wait for you, like the water."  This seriously convicted me.  Wow.  I felt like crap, because it was so true.  I prayed a quiet prayer of repentance and asked for forgiveness, after which I asked Him to not give me running water today.  I took my first bucket shower this morning.  

Yesterday we also visited Kyambogo secondary school where I talked with a wonderful girl named Lydia.  She is quiet, and I know she has much on her mind but she has not opened up fully yet.  She has told me that she wants to be born-again, which means she wants to commit her life to Christ, but she cannot yet.  She says that she still struggles with lying to people, and that she wants to work on that before she can be born again.  I got to see her briefly again today, but I pray that God will show her that as long as she repents of her sins, then she is already born into a new life with Him.  This is another cultural difference here in regards to Christianity, there is a lot of focus on being born-again, and many times people are told they are not born-again unless they do certain things and quit other things.  I can tell this is going to be something I struggle with here, telling children that once they believe in Jesus and repent of their sins, they are already born-again.

Today was such a good day!  Oh man, this morning we visited Katalemwa, which is a hospital for severely disabled children and parents.  Our group was assigned to talk and evangelize with the parents.  This was a very trying task for me.  In Uganda, their idea of evangelism is much different than evangelism in America.  They are so focused on making new Christians, that sometimes they forget to make sure the people they are reaching out to understand the weight of their decision.  I asked one of the other American volunteers who has been here for a while about this, and she explained that this is the reason why Christianity here is "a mile wide, but an inch deep."  This is such a good way of explaining what I have encountered with my visit at Katalemwa.  Almost everyone in Uganda says they are a Christian.  However, this could mean that they were simply given a Christian name at birth.  Many say that they are Christians, but they are not born-again.  This is the equivalent to in America when people say they are Christians, but do not practice their faith in their daily lives, they simply go to church on Sunday and that is it.  I guess I'm not sure how to handle this cultural difference that I do not agree with, but I think I will try and talk to the interpreter who was with us at Katalemwa and ask if we can change things a little bit next time.  I am just praying for the people we met today that their decision will effect their lives and that it was or will be heartfelt and genuine.

We then came back for a quick lunch and went to some secondary schools.  One of these times, I must video tape our school visits because they are so impossible to explain in words.  We got to speak with the Scripture Union.  This is a national club in Africa that is practiced in the schooling systems.  It is just a club for Christians to meet for fellowship and worship.  This Scripture Union was meeting during their lunch period, instead of doing recess.  There were so many of them!  We just encouraged them at how cool they are for giving up playing futbol with their friends so that they could worship God.  This was quickly responded with a room full of Ugandans screaming: "PRAISE THE LORD!" "AMEN!"  They were so much fun to sing with and encourage.  

We came back to the house later and rested a bit, and then there was an optional trip to a town called Kyambogo.  There is a primary and secondary school there which Empower-A-Child goes to regularly.  Many of us simply went to the secondary school to play sports with the kids after school was over.  However, five of us (including myself) chose to go to a small village of "squatters" to hang out with the people and encourage them in the Lord.  This village consisted of some Acholi families.  Acholi is the tribe that occupies the north, mainly the town and district of Gulu, which we had just visited.  However they have just recently settled in Kyambogo.  This was probably the highlight of my day.  We walked into a man's home and were instantly given the best seat in the house, once again their hospitality astounds me.  We asked him to tell us a little about himself, we didn't even ask him if he believed in Jesus and he told us his testimony.  The Ugandan who had come with me and the other volunteers, Ivan, asked him why he was talking about his testimony.  The man told us that we looked like we had been saved so he wanted to talk to us about how he was saved.  Two of the volunteers who were with us stayed and talked with him a little bit while Ivan, my friend, and I went into the home next-door.  We were instantly swarmed with little kids, and a shy girl caught my eye.  I held out my hand and she grasped it firmly and followed me into the house.  Something else fun about this country - every one is treated like your brother or sister.  People I meet will call me "Sister Emily" and their children will call me "Auntie."  I just love it.  So we went into their home and asked them to tell us about themselves.  They went around the room and told us their name and year in school.  They decided they wanted to sing a song for us, so they began singing a song called "God is Good."  My friend asked them if they believed the words of that song, or if they just sang it for no reason.  They said they believed the words, and we asked them how they knew that God was good.  The response we got blew us away.  A ten-year-old girl told us that she was kicked out of school one week because her father forgot to pay her school fees.  Her father had gone away for a long-period of time, which was why he forgot to pay for her schooling.  She was sitting in her home alone, and knew she would be there for a while because she didn't know when her father would get back.  She began praying that God would help her so that she could go back to school, and her father walked in the door because he had decided to come home early.  She said this was when she knew that God was good.  This simply floored us.  You could just tell that she honestly and truly knew Jesus as her friend and father, rock and provider.  It was beautiful.  

Now, let's go back a bit to the shy girl holding my hand.  She stayed by me every second I was there.  She sat next to me on the bench and was constantly stroking each of my fingers.  I held her waist and lifted her to my lap.  She leaned her back against my stomach and closed her eyes, all while holding tightly to both of my hands, making sure they were wrapped around her little body.  After the other girl shared about how she knew God was good, we walked outside and sat in a circle with the other kids.  The rest of them all sang and danced for us, but this little girl only leaned closer into my chest.  I would stand up and try to clap my hands to the songs the other children were singing and she would take my hand and pull me down so I could wrap my arm around her waist, never letting go of her.  These kids knew English very well, so I tried to speak with her, but she would not say a word nor smile.  I finally tilted her sideways and tickled her a little bit, laughing at her, and saw her smile.  It was so beautiful.  I never wanted to let go of her, I only wanted to stay with her until she decided to speak with me, and leaving her was so hard.  She watched me the entire time as we prepared to leave, the sadness that had begun to melt off her face earlier began to mask her beauty once again.  While we were driving back, I asked Ivan to take me back there sometime and he said he would.  I am praying for these children always, but especially for this little girl, of whom I do not even know her name.  

Another amazing thing I saw today at Kyambogo, after the kids finished singing, Ivan told them that if they wanted us to pray for them one-on-one, they could just come and give us some prayer requests.  I got to pray for the girl who spoke earlier about how she knew God was good, I believe her name was Stella.  She asked me to pray for her family because her father was feeling ill and her mother sometimes does not get enough money to pay for her sister's school fees.  I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to pray for her specifically, and she said, "I already told you what I need, I need my family to be happy and rejoicing in God's grace."  I smiled and eagerly prayed for the girl who was already so rich in God's joy and love.  She later ended up praying for the entire group of kids, and even for us volunteers, and it was the most beautiful and heartfelt prayer I have ever heard.  It still moves me to tears thinking about it.  I cannot wait to go back and see her as well.  

Tomorrow we are going to Sanyu babies home.  This is a home for orphaned babies who are 3 years old or younger.  From what I've heard, our only responsibility is to hold and love these children.  I am so eager for this.  I just pray they will grow up to know the love of the God who is already watching over them and caring for them through so many people.  I love you all very much!

In His Love-

Emily