yoga inspires me

I know it is the new hip trend and all, and may be a little cheesy to say right out like that, but yoga truly does inspire me.  It makes me appreciate the simple things more, make healthier choices, and be just happier in general, more balanced.  I'm pretty sure I had one of the most emotionally exhausting days - one of those ones where shit keeps getting thrown at you and all you can do is wipe it off and smile.  Anyways, I was in the mood to not do anything involving human contact after that, but I knew I really wanted to go to this yoga class tonight since I'm leaving town on Saturday and won't have my beloved yoga studio to go to anytime I choose.  So, I went.

It was harder than I expected, but always as informative, inspiring, and empowering as usual.  After class, I walk out of there feeling hopeful, purposeful, and intuitive to people, things, and the environment around me.  I know it's not just allocated to my studio, but it is the practice and the spiritual discipline that defines yoga that allows me this feeling.  For those of you yogis out there, you will know that yoga always ends in savasana, or corpse pose.  It is a time to lay and reflect on the parts of your body that have been engaged and activated during your practice.  A scan of your chakras, to understand and absorb what you have done in that time that you chose to focus on your body, as well as what you have done when you have not focused on your body during your day.  It is also a time to just, release.

Tonight during our savasana after my short-form ashtanga class, just as I was sliding into corpse-esque release, a song came on the playlist for the night that sounded like a few buddhist monks chanting Psalm 23, and later the Lord's Prayer.  For any of you that have known me for the past few years, you will know that my connection to the God that Christian's claim as "theirs" has not been so pleasant.  My violet-crown chakra (if you will) is being under-used.  You see, last May I was fired from SpringHill Camps, a non-profit Christian camp organization, on the basis of my being openly gay.  For some reason, just saying that in itself doesn't lend itself to the pain I felt.  SpringHill Camps was my place to develop my spiritual awareness.  It was this place that jump-started one of my favorite qualities about myself - my ability to connect with others on a level deeper than the skin, and the ability to connect with a being greater than myself in a way that makes me feel better connected to my environment and my own self.  It was the reason I decided to go to the college that I now attend (Hope College), because I was hoping to find a similar environment there: one that would empower me spiritually as well as intellectually.  It would be an understatement to say that I was disappointed in what I found at Hope, but I remained hopeful (no pun intended) that I just hadn't found "it" there yet, and I needed to give it another chance.

By my sophomore year at Hope, I had come out as gay to my close friends and to my family and had been dating the same woman I am currently dating for a few months.  I always had a little hesitation to explore the reconciliation between faith and sexuality, but I did find a reconciliation that also supported spiritual beliefs that I have held since I can remember.  It was this reconciliation that made me feel comfortable in my own skin, even if I wasn't comfortable at Hope.  At Hope, the disappointment came from the lack of a community that truly sought out spiritual truth, rather than simply "Christian" truth.  I had a very hard time finding people who were willing to discuss anything but Jesus and what the more right-leaning Church preaches as "good, holy, and righteous."  I wanted spiritual diversity, mutual understanding and inclusivity, the passion for social justice, and the willingness to learn from those who are different, even those who are oppressed.  And I found, none of that.  Actually, one could argue that Hope, as well as much of West Michigan, is the furthest from that.*

All that to say, when SpringHill Camps administrators forced me into a room to discuss how we were to handle "difficult topics" with our teenage campers, proceeded to tell us "if you can't agree that one can 'pray' away or change their homosexuality, please don't say anything", then force me to come out, tell my coming out story to them, explain my acceptance of my sexuality, tell them that yes, I was dating someone openly, and proceed to "redistribute me to another camp site where I won't be a potential threat to campers" (but don't put any other co-workers in awkward situations, please!); it pretty much destroyed most of what I had connected to God, at least the one that Christians claim as "theirs"  (even though, I'm pretty sure (s)he doesn't "belong" to anyone one type of people), and it especially tarnished my view of Christians.  I spent the next year pretty frustrated at my place in life, still at Hope, a place I felt I didn't fit into anymore (and never really did).  Also a place that in the past couple years quite openly declared that they didn't feel comfortable with me being there, at least openly and with the ability to speak.  (For info on this, Google search "Hope College, Homosexuality Statement/Policy" and click any of the links that come up.)

Anyways, back to yoga and the chanting monks.  Because of my quickness to frustration/irritation at most things associated with Christianity (I do admit, not my best quality) I was immediately distracted by the ever-famous Psalm 23 being pronounced during my savasana.  My thoughts were along the line of, "Okay, this guy has studied Indian Philosophy for years, has been to India studying in an ashram, yoga itself is a Hindu practice of inclusive spirituality and wellness, and he's playing PSALM 23 and the Lord's Prayer?!  What the hell, why aren't they chanting from the Bhagavad Gita or something less...Christian?"  I was kind of tense for a few minutes about this, and then I softened up when I recognized that the monks were changing the more Western-recognized pronoun "He" in the verses to "She."  (Actually, I loved that).

When it hit me that I could actually appreciate the psalm, and the monks, and the she; the only way I can describe how I felt is that I felt as if I had realized that I had lost a profound piece of myself and was wondering how I had let it go.  I somehow let my irritation and frustration from Hope and SpringHill and seemingly constant misunderstanding between "LGBTQ" and "Christianity" take over more of my spiritual self than the beliefs that I love and wish to integrate into my daily understanding.  Still in a sort of, stunned, state, the teacher asked us to stretch and "awaken to ourselves" from the savasana and come to a comfortable seated position in order to dedicate our practice.  He asked us, as in the beginning of class, to sit and simply feel the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual activity of our bodies.  To appreciate the time and effort we had just put into them, and dedicate what we will choose to get out of our practice afterwards.  Dedicate the practice to something meaningful, purposeful that we hope to embody as a part of our daily practice.  I dedicated my practice today, to this:

"I dedicate this practice to the more positive pursuit and understanding of my spirit and that of (s)he who is greater than I.  The recognition of the way humanity distorts this vision, but the conscious effort to not let the world's distortion become my own."

Namaste, readers.

*postscript: Well, to be honest, I did find one thing (a class, Intro to World Religions) and an amazing professor who I will always cherish (shout out, Boyd H. Wilson) who was the one who truly led me (I, to this day, call him Guru) in my reconciliation of all these things I was seeking.  I continue to go to his office when I need some release from Hope and it's lack of those things I so crave in a community, or to just bounce ideas off of him.  He always affirms my intuition about the campus community and their lack of spiritual diversity and acceptance of it, but he also always reminds me that at least they take faith as a serious matter that they want to integrate into their lives.

sabbath.

I really needed this weekend, which I took as a Sabbath and a time to get some things that I have been meaning to do.  It seriously refilled and refreshed me, and got me re-excited for the ministry God has called me to do here.  

In the morning, I got to write a letter to one of the girls I have gotten really close with and will really miss, which was good because she was gone visiting her sponsor kid in Luweero and I haven’t had time to do it since she’s always around.  I also ordered a copy of the devotional I brought that my mentor had given to me because she really likes when I share with her the things that the Lord is teaching me through it, and I really feel like it would bless her a lot.  Then the people who didn’t go on safari, rafting, or bungee jumping that day all went into town to get some last minute (for them) gifts from the craft market, and a few of them went out to eat while 3 of us returned to the house for lunch.  

After lunch, I hung around the house a little bit and answered some e-mails and just relaxed.  I went outside to the backyard and had the God-time I had been craving.  I didn’t even realize I was sitting out there for about an hour and a half.  It amazes me how incredibly spot-on this devotional book has been for my trip.  I also tried to journal a bit in my prayer journal I brought, but that took a long time.  It seriously helped a lot though because I ended up sorting out a lot of things that have been running through my mind simply by writing down on paper exactly what has been in my head.  

After this, I sat back and closed my eyes for a little meditative prayer time.  This is something I absolutely love in my relationship with Christ.  When I take the time to do this, he blesses me richly, and I was excited that I would finally get to do it here.  It’s really hard to explain, but basically this time was a lot different than usual and I started to freak out.  However, I really feel it is simply because of my change in location, but not in the way you are thinking.  My space in this world, my role in this generation is changing, and therefore I am changing.    

In this time with the Lord, I was reminded of a poem a good friend of mine recently wrote and shared in her blog.  It was so inspiring and beautiful, and dealt with a lot of things going on in my head right now.  I felt God nudging me to try something like that, so I asked for His hand to guide mine in my journal, and I simply began writing.  The words just came out.  They flowed out of my pen, onto my journal, in a poetic fashion that I have never been able to do on my own.  There are still some things I think I want to add or delete here and there, but once it is perfected, I will post it.  This piece of prose, poetry, whatever you want to call it was really special for me to read because I know it was not me who wrote it.  I read the words that His Spirit formed and am stunned into awe.  I now know my purpose here, and it’s not this huge revelation or anything, but I know at least one reason why I am here this summer.  I know His will and plan is perfect, and I know what He is trying to teach me, at least right now.  I won’t give it all away just yet though, maybe in my next post.  

I left this time with God fully refreshed and invigorated, ready for ministry.  I felt joyful and I wanted people to notice that it was not my joy, but His.  I saw the neighbor kids, Rihanna & Jeremiah (3 & 4 years old, respectively) and decided to take some time out of my day to play with them.  That was SO much fun!  They are absolutely crazy, and it is easy to invest in them since they live right next door, and are related to one of the Ugandan volunteers, so they are at the house all the time.  I am really excited to invest in them over the next month of my stay.  

This morning we went to St. Kakumba Chapel in Kyambogo, and thank the Lord we only had to attend the service.  It ended up being a really great service because this woman preached and she was really funny and was easy to pay attention to, plus the content of her sermon was really deep and insightful.  The rest of the day we just hung out around the house, those of us who didn’t go on safari this weekend.  Vanessa and I decided to go back and visit the squatters, but this time we brought my laptop, some sweets, and The Lion King DVD.  It was SO cute to watch them watching the movie.  The little ones would giggle as Timon & Pumba started singing about fuyes (farts), while the older ones would translate what was happening to them.  It was possibly one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.  Then after the movie was over, we had about a half-hour before we had to get back, and they wanted to sing and dance for us as they always do.  It was really cool because they did a traditional Acholi dance, and I felt like a proud mother as I videotaped them haha.  

I’m very excited to post my “purpose” post, but I want to save it until I have my piece of prose perfected.  Tomorrow we are going to the Babies Homes in the morning and then spending the afternoon planning the week.  Plus, this Saturday I will be attending a traditional Ugandan wedding ceremony.  However, this is not the actual wedding.  In their culture, they have an “Introduction Ceremony” before the wedding.  This basically serves the same purpose as an engagement party; only it is a way bigger deal than the actual wedding day.  Every attendee must wear the traditional dress, according to the bride’s tribe, and there are certain rituals that we will have to learn: how to kneel correctly, when to kneel, how to dance, when to dance, etc.  This ceremony is set in place for the families of the bride and groom to be officially introduced to each other, and when I say families I mean full-extended-cousins-of-cousins kind of families.  They find it really important to have as many people as possible at the Introduction so they have more people that will hold them accountable to keep their marriage strong, and bear witness to their vows.  This is also the time when the groom presents the dowry to the bride’s parents.  Yes, they still use a dowry system here.  Only most of the time they don’t use money, they use cows.  So the groom will either present the family with all cows, cows and some goats, maybe some chickens and fruits, and definitely a little bit of money in there as well.  This is why it takes so long for a Ugandan man to marry, because cows here are very expensive and some parents are very picky about the dowry.  I’m not sure what Sarah’s dowry is, but I am excited to see this traditional transaction.  I will also be leaving for safari on Sunday the 26th in the morning, and will be returning on Tuesday, so there won’t be any posts during that time.  I love you all, and I hope you are bearing with my super long posts, but most of all I hope you are blessed by them!

In His Perfect Love,

Em

holy provision

Today was such a testament to God's provision in all ways, not just physical and material needs, but also in any situation.

It still amazes me how perfect His plans are and further affirms my trust in Him.  First of all, this morning we went to Sanyu Babies Home, a different home than the last one, and I had a much better experience.  The organization was much more organized, and I could tell these kids were being raised well, whereas the previous home seemed to always be in some sort of disarray.  I was blessed by a woman who I helped do laundry with, I told her I was from Michigan in America and her face dropped in shock as she dropped what she was doing.  She told me her brothers have been living in Michigan for 20 years and she hasn't spoken to them since she left, she wanted to write a letter and maybe send them some things and asked if I could deliver them to her brothers either by mail or by visiting them.  I told her if she could get me their address I would happily do that.  She was so excited, I can't wait to talk with her again.  

Just to begin, I will type up a bit of what I wrote in my journal this morning, as I feel this sums up much of the things that go on in my head that is hard to sort through:

"Lord Jesus,

I love to picture You walking along the streets of this city.  Each time we drive to a project, a school, a church, I let the reality of this place sink into my being.  That the huts on the side of the road are not only someone's only form of shelter, but that they most likely hold many people of all ages in a space smaller than my dorm room.  It makes me anxious to see how much needs to be done here.  This morning, however, I am reminded of a verse that has been prayed over my trip by a dear friend.  Song of Songs 4:16 'Awake north wind, and come, south wind!  Blow on my garden, that it's fragrance may spread abroad.  Let my Lover come into His garden and taste its choice fruits.'  The imagery of Your seeds being blown by the wind, carried all across this country, and growing into strong trees of faith, bearing fruit to provide for those around them, in order to give back to their community, is beautiful.  I then picture You walking through the streets and smiling at Your beautiful children, Your strong trees, and it gives me rest.  You know their condition and their needs, You know what needs to be done, and You will do it with the help of some faithful servants.  I just pray that all the servants You have sent here have the same peace.  That even when they want to take control of Your plans for this city because they cannot see how it will turn out, that You would speak humble trust into our hearts."

Before I tell my story of what happened this afternoon, in terms of God's provision, I want to backtrack to a couple of days ago.  Something that, at the beginning of this trip, I really struggled with was the lack of alone-time I had where I could just be me and God in prayer.  It is something I still have to work at in order to get in that quiet place here, living with 26 other people, but I am learning.  I was really just craving some quiet-time with the Lord and I began to pray that I would be able to have the time, where no one would interrupt me.  I woke up a half-hour early, just so I could try and get it in, but still people would walk by and start to talk to me, and it simply wasn't the same.  Then the volunteer who was leading morning devotions said that he wasn't going to do the normal group devotions.  He said that he was going to give us some scripture that the Lord had laid on his heart, and that we were allowed to take the normal time allotted for devotions to simply be alone with the Lord.  That we could either meditate on the verses, or simply just be with God in any way we needed to.  Here is the first amazing provision.  

In my quiet time, I asked the Lord to speak something to me, anything He needed me to hear or do.  Before I left for this trip, every time I asked this of God, He would simply respond with "just be with me, and recognize me in all you do."  So, naturally, this is what I expected to hear.  Instead He told me to volunteer to share a message at a secondary school this week.  I was terrified.  I have known that it would eventually be my turn to share, but I was so nervous for that day even when I didn't know it was coming.  I asked repeatedly, "are you sure?  really?"  but I could not shake the voice in my heart urging me to share this week.  I finally gave up and asked the Lord to show me what to say, because I certainly didn't know where to start, what they would need to hear, which scripture to read.  I flipped open my Bible, and it opened to 2 Corinthians 4.  I began to read some of the verses in that chapter that I had already underlined and knew this was what the Lord wanted me to share with these teenagers.  It was 2 Corinthians 4:8-10; 16-17.  It reads, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you ... Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."  At the time, I did not worry about what I would say with these verses, how I could best be able to explain them, because I'm not sure I fully believed that this week I would speak.  However, the Lord is faithful to His word, and today I had to speak.  We were planning on going to a secondary school, and a different person from my group was designated to speak.  However, he ended up volunteering somewhere he worked at in 2007 when he was here, so my friend Diana asked me to share.  I knew I had to say yes, and I was praising God for His impeccable plans, but I would be lying if I told you I wasn't nervous.  The whole ride there I just prayed that God would give me the words, and that it would be His Spirit using me as a vessel, speaking through me, because I knew I did not have the words or the confidence necessary to truly touch these teenagers.  When we started praise and worship at the school, the presence of the Spirit was loud that it was almost ringing in my ears, sending goosebumps up my arms.  These kids were incredible.  It was then that I realized these kids did not need a life-changing sermon, they simply needed a little encouragement in hard times.  I did it, the Lord totally spoke to these kids, and it wasn't anything huge, but it was what He wanted them to know.  It was simple encouragement to keep going no matter what hardships they face each day, because these troubles are only temporary and each day the Lord longs to renew us in faith, that His favorite thing to do is bless His children,  and that we have an eternity of hope to look forward to.  

I still can't believe how simply the Lord provided me with words for these kids.  I have always thought it would be hard to discern exactly what He had to speak through me, that somehow it would be so deep that I wouldn't be able to decipher it.  But He spelled it out so clearly, and I ended up talking to a girl at the end named Agatha who just thanked me so much and said that I had truly blessed her.  She is an amazing girl as well, an aspiring doctor and incredibly smart.  I hope to see her again.  

Wowza

So today is the 19th anniversary of my birth.  Looking back on the changes that have happened not only within the last 6-7 months, but within the whole 19 years of my life is incredible.  I am noticing more and more everyday how blessed I am.

Africa Update:  There has been a change of plans.  With the program I was originally looking at (H.E.A.L.S. Uganda) I have become very frustrated, and I feel that God has shut that door for now.  I have prayed earnestly about whether it is still in God's will for me to go to Africa and I have never received a more clear answer from Him.  Yes, I will go, and soon.  I have found a different company called Empower A Child (www.empower-a-child.org) and I am very very hopeful that this is the right company to go with.  I have applied to go for 2 months and be a part of a Ministry Support Team based in Kampala, Uganda.  Through this team I would learn the cultural norms and taboos within all aspects of Ugandan life.  Then each morning, a team of volunteers from all around the world get together and do daily devotions, seeking God's will for that day.  Depending on where God is leading us that day, the company will take us to that ministry.  They volunteer at Babies' Homes, Orphanages, Hospitals for children severely injured by the war, a Youth School, a "Soup Kitchen" or sorts, and the best part is, if I feel led to go to Gulu and experience the IDP camps, work with Invisible Children, or even H.E.A.L.S., they have promised to do anything in their power to get me there.  Also, money wise I am feeling very confident.  I have enough money for everything except my plane ticket, of which the price has dropped by $1000.  I now only need $3000 total, and I am just over halfway there.  Recently I was praying and was very frustrated with worrying about the money getting in on time, and being prepared for the trip.  Then I met a couple at a local church in Holland I have been attending who were missionaries in Uganda for a few months.  They told me their story.  God provided them with $1000 the day before they left for Uganda, which was exactly the amount they needed to be able to fully commit.  Money and plane tickets are small things for God to figure out, and I am trusting.  Also, everyday this week I have received a very generous check in the mail from various people.  God's provision fills me with awe.  

With all of that good, I am having a lot of struggles spiritually. 

1.  I can't pray eloquently.  It's something I struggle with ALL the time.  Literally me praying is casually talking to God.  "Hey God, what's up?  Well here's what's going on with me..." which is great, I think, but then it comes time to pray in a big group setting and I get so nervous!  Though, the Lord has revealed to me, and many others I am in community with, that He is calling all believers to a season of prayer.  God is moving, and quickly, and with that Satan is not satisfied.  We need to rebuild our temple, and rebuke false teachings and false beliefs.  What a perfect time for the Lord to be my Teacher.  

Lord, teach me how to pray.

2.  I have been feeling the need to get more in-tune with God's Spirit and have been praying for that earnestly.  However, I have had a few instances lately where God's Spirit has guided me to say or do something, and I was too cowardly to follow through.  Too concerned about what others would think of me.  Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."  

Lord, help me to truly be your servant and listen to Your commands, and help me to overcome the guilt of the calls I have ignored.  

3.  God has placed a lot of people on my heart lately, and I don't know what to do when I pray for them or what to pray for.  This longing to understand these people's struggles and give them up to God is distracting me from everything.  

Lord, help me to focus on what needs to be done on this earth, so that Your name will be glorified.  Also, that I will be okay with not knowing or understanding these people's struggles if it is not in Your will for me to do so, and that simply by praying for them You will take care of the rest.

4.  God has laid the book of Ezekiel on my heart, and I haven't taken the time to read it yet.  I desperately want to find the time, but I keep getting distracted, though I am excited to see what God will reveal to me through His words.  

Lord, allow me the time to dive into Your word and listen to what you have to say to me.  

Lots of stuff, my life is chaos.  A whirlwind of growth, desperation, hunger, yearning to love and to know Love more.  

I wouldn't have it any other way.