1,095 - 20

August 1st will mark the 1, 095th day that I have been not living in the same state, or city as my girlfriend.  And it will also mark the day that the lease on the apartment we rented, together, starts.

In 20 days, (or less!) I will be finally living in the same city and state as her.  Not to mention, also the same apartment.  I've thought about this time in my life for 1, 095 days now, and I always thought it would feel surreal.  That I wouldn't even be able to imagine it because of how long we haven't had that luxury.  But, really, I mostly just feel like, "it's about damn time."

Looking back, I know distance was right for us.  (Try to find anyone else who feels that way and I think you'll come up empty!)  We needed to be forced to be alone with ourselves and work on our own hurdles alone, in order to be able to be together in a healthy, loving relationship.  We needed to learn that the best kinds of relationships, are one in which two individual people can come together and celebrate, and cherish the other for who they are on their own, and who they become together.  For that, I am so grateful.

But now, we're ready.  We are so ready to be together.  To come home to each other everyday.  I think that's the part that will be surreal (but maybe, hopefully, it's just normal), coming home everyday and seeing her.   I think after a week we'll be like, "ok, so...one of us is supposed to leave now" and then WE WON'T.  AH.

I've been getting a lot of texts, calls, and letters from friends.  Some of my best, and some who have reconnected with me after a long time.  They all keep saying they can't wait to visit me & S when we move in together.  The part of me that believes in "signs" and karma and, my favorite phrase my momma taught me, "the universe will bring it to you," believes that this is a sign.  My friends see that I'm finally getting to the place I want to be, and happiness and contentment tend to draw people in.  I can't wait to have them visit me, us, (WHAT?!) and be a part of this new part of my life.  To be actively a part of it.


So to any friends who still read this, you are always welcome in our home.  Thank you for being such a huge part of my life, and our relationship, for the past 3 years.  That time apart from S, but with you, are part of what make us as strong as we are now. 

 

This is going to be short and sweet, and yes, I also posted this on my Tumblr because I am that happy right now and I have too many online blogs

I've been taking a creative writing class that has fully and utterly changed my world.  I could (and probably will) write about it some more later, but for now:

I did it.  Tonight I wrote the poem that made me feel like a poet.  I wrote the poem that made me look up schedules for open mic nights knowing that I would one day (soon) get on a stage and read that poem with every fiber of my heart and the audience would snap along and say, "Girl, you got soul."  And tonight, I would believe them.  But tomorrow, I will take my prized words and I will put them in my binder, to be revealed to my class only on the day that they were meant to be revealed, and that will be it.  Because a writer cannot have too much ego, or they will never write another great poem again.

salty, sweaty, beautiful

I think I have a gift for seeing the beauty in most things.  This is something I love about myself.  Right now, in life, I'm trying to just get to know me and then let the other friends in my life get to know her too.  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm totally open to change; but this time it will be for me, not anyone else.  So, with that said, let me paint you a picture of beauty that I took part in tonight.

(For background information, I'm still home for Christmas break and decided to go to my first yoga class in a longgggg time.  I'm in love with my yoga studio at home, and I constantly (inwardly) complain about how I will never find another Body Language anywhere else I choose to live.)

The first thing I do when I step into the warm waiting area is slowly take off my coat and boots.  My bare feet touch the floor, and it's not even slightly cold, but it's still invigorating.  There are others waiting for my class - others that will join me in breathing, living, and working in solidarity together - all of them silently whispering to each other, so as not to disturb the massage and yoga class in session.  The door opens finally and people begin to greet one another.  I stay silent and move into the much more warm yoga room.  You can't even tell the yoga studio is located on the side of a very busy intersection because it is completely silent in the room except for the relaxing sanskrit mantra playing from the CD player.  I lay out my mat, straighten it out, and lay.  First on my back, eyes closed, hands folded on my chest and breath.  Then I hug my legs into my belly and rock back and forth, massaging my spine.  The instructor turns on the space heaters, making the room even more hot and I can already feel my muscles becoming more and more ready to stretch and work.  
Finally, everyone is ready and seated, laying, stretching on their mats.  My eyes stay shut, I'm not even the slightest bit self-conscious, and I notice it.  (That's a first.)  The instructor begins to speak, tells us to meditate.  That many people choose to separate yoga from meditation, and that's simply impossible.  Yoga is meditation, and so that is how we will begin.  She tells a story about our minds and how completely cluttered they always are and that this practice should help us to stop thinking about our minds, and focus on our bodies, come into our bodies.  I find this liberating and erotic, as escaping my mind has always been one of the hardest things for me to do - inhibiting me way too many times in my almost 21 years.  She ends by saying, "sometimes, it's good to lose your mind."  I giggle in my head, but oops, not in my head, out loud.  That's okay, I'm so relaxed and happy I don't even care.  Finally we begin the vinyasa flow.  A breath-timed transition from pose to pose as we stretch, lift, and strengthen all parts of our bodies.  I start to lose count of how many times I've completed the flow and scold myself for keeping count.  I take a deep exhale and forget.  The first drop of sweat falls into my tear duct, stinging my eyes, and I smile.  The instructor has been talking the entire time, but she's getting more and more passionate and so I listen closer.  She starts talking about how we are just bathing ourselves in self-love, and my heart flutters.  I close my eyes and focus on my face, "I love you, face."  Then my neck, "I love you, neck."  Then my chest, "I love you, chest."  Then my arms, "I love you, arms."  My hands, my fingers, "I love you."  My belly, my legs, my feet, my toes, "I love you too."  I feel a little silly saying these things to myself, but as I feel out each part of my body, I notice the sweat covering them and I really do feel as if I am bathing in my own love for myself.  It feels damn good.  By now I'm sweating so much, and feeling so much that I can't tell which salty drop of wet is sweat, tears, or snot.  I don't think I'm crying, but by now, who knows.  
I open my eyes for the first time in what I would guess to be 20 minutes, the first thing I see is a 40-something year old woman, fit as ever, stretching her arms up to the sky.  I can almost feel her self-love, and I suddenly feel connected to everyone in the room.  I listen to everyone else's breath and realize we are breathing at the same rhythm.  All of humanity is connected, and tonight I know that's true.  We continue this for a long time, and by the time we switch to balancing exercises my legs feel like rubber and I'm light-headed.  I head for the water bottle many times during this period.  I start to scold myself for not being able to do some of the poses and then I remember the key rule of yoga, do it at your pace, and do what feels best and right for your own body.  I praise myself for drinking water.  I don't even feel full of myself for it.  
We continue with inversions, 
more balancing, 
more vinyasa, 
more 
and more 
and more 
and sweat is absolutely covering me.  I touch my foot to the floor while in pigeon pose and it slides across the wood floor of it's own accord.  I feel as if we have just started our rest and meditation period, and it's already time for it to end.  I know I look a complete wreck, and I've never felt so beautiful.  As sweat falls from my face to my mat, I tell myself, "this is for you.  for all you've done, and all you haven't done.  I love you."  It doesn't feel like 10 minutes has passed but it has and it's time to awaken from the meditation state.  Before sitting up to end the practice, we roll over onto our side like babies and then sit back up in prayer position.  The instructor talks and I feel like she's speaking straight to me.  "Let go of your worries, and bask in yourself.  The light in me bows in gratitude to the lights in all of you.  Namaste."  Namaste.

one very special day(weekend).

After goofing around, we finally sit down on the squeaky sand.  She wraps her arm around my back to support me and I place my cheek in the crook between her neck and her shoulder, just touching her collarbone. (my spot) She asks,

"Why do you like being by the water so much?"

I giggle for a while, because really, who doesn't like being by the water?  Then I realize it's actually a question.  She means it.  I think for a second.

"You know, I think it's because it's so incredibly chaotic.  The constant sound of the waves crashing, and the little white tips on the tops of the waves that just tell you that this water is MOVING.  It's chaotic and I can't control it.  So I let it take my chaos away from me.  Each wave takes my internal chaos and I can be at peace."

oh, the places you'll find...

I'm usually not one of these kinds of blog posters, but I'm going to play around and post whenever and whatever I feel like for now, which might make my blog seem scattered and unorganized (so UNLIKE me).  But I'm going to look at it with the view that I'm eclectic, I'm interested in a lot of different things and I just want to share them with whoever is reading this thing.

I was recently in Chicago and decided to go to an art festival in the Rogers Park neighborhood.  Well, it's pretty clear that I fell in love with that part of the city and, ugh, I have to live there for at least a little bit at some point.  But, one of my favorite things was this restaurant my girlfriend and I found for lunch.  It's called the Heartland Café, located in the heart of Rogers Park.  It was one of those places that was rundown enough to look a little worn-in, as if it was old but had seen a lot of life, though it still had quite the personality.  There were overgrown plants everywhere and you had the option of eating outside, at the bar, on a screened patio, or in the open air.  We chose the screened patio and it was wonderful.  The chairs didn't match each other and each table was different, as if they were purchased at a rummage sale.

Then we got our menus and everything was as green as could be.  All the meat products were from a great farm who did not use any extras to enhance their meat, it was all farm-fed and Amish-raised.  We decided to order an appetizer of hummus, avocados, tomatoes, and warm pita slices - which was delicious.  And then our entrée was chicken marinated in maple syrup marinade and topped with pineapple pieces and it all came with mashed potatoes and gravy on the side.  I kid you not, it was THE best meal I've ever had.  And I felt genuinely healthy and good about eating it...all of it.

After being full with our delicious, healthy, and eco-friendly meal I truly felt like I was welcome in this place, as silly as that may sound.  Then we walked around a little bit and found what we thought was a vintage store right next to the restaurant.  We walked in and I eavesdropped on a conversation an older man with gray-white hair was having with some people that I gathered were from France...I'm not sure about that one though.  He was telling them that they should vote in the next election to lean France a little bit more to the left...you know, fight for social justice.  I immediately liked him.  The Frenchies left soon after and we were looking around and he introduced himself.  We asked him how he got all this stuff and he told us that it actually wasn't a shop and nothing was for sale, this was just where he stored all his old stuff but people kept walking in since he left the door open.  He showed us some pictures that he took after a motorcycle trip he took to Mexico, one of which was of President Kennedy driving and waving from his car.  He then asked us if we had seen the Heartland.  We told him we just got done eating there and absolutely LOVED it.  He informed us that he was the owner.

Afterwards, I remember saying that it felt like one of those places that serves the community more than it serves food.  Bringing the community together in a supportive, generally happy place, to just be.

I never knew I needed these things until now...

I recently became obsessed with the website etsy, which I know makes me seem a little late on the "trends" since this has been a hit for a while now, but I have just now discovered it's brilliance.

Here's my etsy wishlist, in order of which ones I am most inclined to buy...you know...a little gift for myself to get me through these next few weeks before school starts and I can dive into philosophies, books, theories, and the beautiful life of college academia that I absolutely thrive in:

1.  Knit Cowl Scarf: I have wanted one for so long and have yet to find one in a store!  This will be definitely purchased on etsy, soon.

2.  Camera Strap Cover with customized Lens Cap Pocket Holder: I love this!  I have found that summer has left me lacking the motivation to get out and find beautiful things in the ordinary to capture and have forever.  I'm hoping this little bit of personality on my camera that I love will allow me to pick it up and help me fall in love again.

3.  Triangle Summer Scarf: If you don't know me (or can't already tell) I am a HUGE scarf person.  My favorite accessory, I could dress an entire family with the amount of scarves I have.  But the beauty of my obsession is that I actually wear them, so I have no guilt at the amount I have.  I've noticed my collection is generally for fall or winter scarves, and I've been yearning for a light one fit for warmer weather.  Plus, this would be my first triangle one...and it's only $11.

4.  iPod Touch Custom Case:  Mine always falls out of the flimsy case it came with, and then jumps around in my purse getting all sorts of scratches and bruises.  Plus, I'm one of those people who ALWAYS drop it.

5.  Laptop Case and Cord Pouch:  Kind of just a splurge that I really like.  Though I'm always wanting some sort of pouch for my laptop cord when I head to the library, I might even buy two since my pencil bag has recently ripped.

6.  Last but not least, I love just about EVERYTHING from japonica's etsy shop.  I can't seem to choose from the many things that I love, but I want to buy at least one necklace.  Something beautiful just for me to wear everyday and remind me of the beauty that is waiting for me in life, and to feel beautiful everyday.

I know, I know...not my "typical" blog post.  I have no explanations other than sheer summer boredom.