My Story...and why it matters

A long while ago, I learned of the anti-gay marriage bill being considered in the Ugandan parliament.  It actually wrecked me.  Being a liberal, lesbian, urban-dwelling, woman social worker in the third largest city in the United States (Chicago, for those of you who didn't know!) I'm usually pretty nonplussed about being OUTRAGEOUSLY opinionated and advocating for the rights of myself and others who are similarly marginalized and oppressed.  When I found out about this bill (see this recent article in the Huffington Post and/or google "Uganda Anti-Gay Marriage Bill"), I literally was speechless.  I barely, if ever talked about it, and felt generally hopeless about the situation.  When I fell in love with the country of Uganda, I started to build my life around the idea of being able to work, learn, live, and love there.  I eventually did just that for a summer in my undergraduate college life, and felt equally nonplussed about continuing my exploration of my sexuality there.  While there, I came to learn about the vast danger with this openness.  As a British colonized culture heavily influenced by the American Evangelical movement, they took these pastors doctrines as universal truths, and have since become what I see as the ultimate experimental ground (and thus highly praised in the evangelical church) for their beliefs.  I had no clue of this when I went there.  I thought I'd share my coming out story here after reading this article because I still miss the freedom and adventure of Uganda, but now I know I will not be able to safely go back there without massive structural changes.   Fair warning...this is a long post and I'm really sorry but I'm terrible at editing because (as stated earlier) I tend to feel like I have a lot to say!

Myself (right) and S (left) in Uganda, Summer 2009

*****

It was the summer after my freshman year of college.  I had come out to myself the semester earlier, after falling in love with one of my close friends.  I attended a Christian college in the Midwest known for it's non-acceptance of LGBTQ people, and I had bought into it while attending a small group Bible study that only furthered this non-acceptance in myself.  I told myself that I would never tell anyone about my feelings for women, and I would force myself to date men.  To please God, and my family.  I even promised I wouldn't write it in my journal.  That way, if I died (by whatever means), no one would ever know.  I had always wanted to go to Uganda, or more specifically, since I saw the documentary Invisible Children in my sophomore year of high school.  It became clear (to me) that the best time for me to go and fulfill that dream, was now.  So I went.  I raised the money all on my own, found an organization to volunteer with, and I went.  I remember my best friend (at the time, no longer) advised me to go "...and not think about boys.  Christian women go into the mission field all the time searching for a husband, go for yourself, and God."  I nodded and agreed, that would be easy.  But I also decided to try to forget about what I had learned about my feelings for women as well, and just focus on myself, what I was doing, and God.  

I arrived in Uganda in June of 2009.  For a month, I kept my pact with my friend, and myself.  I remember at the one month mark saying to myself, "wow, I haven't even thought about any of that shit!"  I absorbed myself into the culture (as much as I could) and fell in love with the country and friends I made there.  

Then, right at the one month mark, trouble came to Africa in the form of a woman: S.  One of the American volunteers who had been there starting in May told me that she had invited a friend of hers from college to come because she was a videographer and the organization wanted her to create promotional videos for the organization's website.  I paid no mind to this at the time, and just nodded and said I was excited to meet her.  She arrived on the day that the girl I had become closest with had left - so I truly didn't really pay much attention to her.  And, I learned, that she didn't pay much attention to me either.  At the time, my hair was plaited with an African weave in little braided dreadlocks and a hoop nose ring adorned my freckled nose, and she wasn't looking for love either.  This was a job for her.  

At first, I really disliked her.  I hadn't planned on going on safari while I was there, because I didn't raise enough money.  However, my mom offered to pay for it at the last minute, because I was in Africa, and when was that going to happen again?  So, I signed up to go with a group of people I had really connected with and everything seemed to work out fine.  Then I found out that the organization wanted S to go on safari too, to make a video, but there were too many people in the first group.  Because I was one of the last people to sign up for that weekend, they told me I would be going the next week, in the group with S, and none of my friends.  I made plans to room with one of the other girls so I could stay away from S, who I was very upset with!  

A few days before we were supposed to leave for safari, we were invited to be bridesmaids in one of the Ugandan women's introduction ceremonies.  (Basically an engagement party, but it is a MUCH bigger and more traditional ceremony than the wedding).  Per tradition: we were not allowed to have our hair in a weave.  So, my dreads had to come out.  I spent the night before with the whole house pulling fake hair out of my head and sleeping on my 80's rockstar style hair: crimped, frizzy, and greasy.  The next morning, I washed my hair for the first time in 4 and a half weeks and used a hairdryer and straightener.  S tells me this was when she really noticed me, and decided she wanted to pursue me.  Apparently it was one of those Megan Fox moments, where I walked out of the bathroom a totally different woman, flipping my hair back and forth wrapped in my towel, with the sunrise behind my head.  All of a sudden, S was at my hip the whole day.  Helping me with my hair, painting my toes, I helped her with her makeup.  I remember the way she looked at me made me want to know her better, and made me want to be around her all day long.  I decided to give her another chance too.

Throughout the ceremony, I felt her eyes adoring me, and I felt a familiar feeling rising in my gut, I desperately wanted more time with her, alone.  In the car ride home, she rested her head on my shoulder and I whispered in her ear, "do you want to share a room on safari with me?"  Yes, I totally ditched my friend.  I couldn't help it!  She nodded and smiled, and went back to resting on my shoulder.  

The weekend of safari was one of the most magical I've ever had.  (In efforts to make that sound less corny, it was magical for more reasons than just S!)  We spent the days sitting in the warm sun on the roof of safari vans roaming through the African plains, and the nights in an authentic African hut, our beds pushed together and our mosquito nets tied to drape over both of our beds.  She took the video like she was expected, but all the time with me by her side taking photos with my fancy camera.  I told her it was nice to have someone to hang back with as we did our art forms.  She told me she appreciated my help, and ended up putting me in some of her shots.  Then at night, we stayed up all night laughing and talking.  She told me everything, even that she was gay and had dated women before.  I told her that I understood, I had wondered some of the same things myself.  

After that weekend, we were inseparable.  Everyone knew that where one of us was, the other was too.  I moved into her dorm room, and chose to sleep in the bed under hers immediately when we came back.  At night, she would sneak down the bunk-bed ladder and cuddle with me under my green mosquito net.  One night, she kissed me on the cheek, and it sent shivers up my spine.  I kissed her back on the neck.  After a few weeks, a few people started being suspicious that our friendship was just "too close."  One even made a comment, "If you two were a lesbian couple, Emily would be the feminine lipstick one, and S would be the more masculine one."  We laughed half-heartedly, worried about being found out, even though we hadn't even talked about it yet.  

Finally, one night, I told S that I had wanted to sleep outside on the front porch since I got there, but hadn't been able to yet.  I told her I didn't want to do it alone.  She told me she would do it with me, she just wanted to be with me.  We put our pillows and blankets on the mattress on the porch outside and waited until everyone was asleep to go out there.  We watched the sunset over Kampala, and then I nuzzled my head into her collarbone.  She kissed my forehead and I reached my hands under her shirt, caressing her body underneath.  After a few moments of this, she stopped me, "We have to talk about this...do you have feelings for me?"  I was terrified of all the things I was feeling, so I broke down and cried while having a panic attack.  I told her I did, but I wasn't sure if it was ok for me to have those feelings.  She just hugged me closer, "I know."  I woke up and told her that I didn't believe it was ok for me to have those feelings, and she was heartbroken.  We continued to be inseparable, and doing the same things as before, because even though I didn't think it was ok for me to have those feelings - I did, and I couldn't help myself.  Neither could she.  

When I left a month later, she came to send me off at the airport.  We cried and looked at each other knowingly.  I told her we needed to talk once she got back to the States, she nodded.  After a month of skyping between Michigan and Africa, Michigan and Wisconsin, she came to visit me at my college.  There was so much left unsaid, but all those feelings came rushing back again.  The first night she slept in my lofted twin bed, there was so much tension, the air was full of it.  She held me as close as humanly possible, and I let myself fall into her.  Then, she kissed me, for real this time.  I thought to myself, now I understand.  This is what love feels like.  I also came to the realization of just how happy I was.  I had a clarifying moment spiritually soon after, I knew God was rejoicing at my happiness, and at the great relationship S and I had that was always supportive of the other.  It was going to be ok.  

After that, we continued dating long-distance.  I started slowly coming out to friends at school, many of whom are no longer my friends because of it.  I joined an underground gay support group and started meeting other people at my college who were like me, and who I could talk to about S.  S visited me, and I visited her all throughout the  year.  She even moved to my college town for a short while because she needed a way to get out of her hometown. She then got a job in the Chicagoland area, and that was when our long-distance relationship truly stabilized.  She was establishing herself in Chicago, finally being open about her sexuality with her new friends in her new city, and I was doing the same in my small-town college.  In August, we will have been dating long-distance for three long (and beautiful) years.  But this August will be different.  In May I will graduate with my Bachelors degree in Social Work.  A few weeks ago, I got my acceptance letter from the University of Chicago's Jane Addams College of Social Work for the Masters in Social Work program.  I sent in my "Intent to Enroll" letter and deposit immediately.  We've started looking for apartments in the neighborhoods we love in North Chicago, and she's started collecting furniture. In August, we will finally be together, in the same city, the same home, and sharing our lives like we've wanted to for three long years.  I'm coming home.

*The story that I've written above was submitted to What Wegan Did Next's "Love Stories" section, but has yet to be published there!  So, if you follow them and they post it in the future and it's word for word...now you know why.

GULU.

Sorry it has been long since I have updated, however I have been in Gulu, Uganda for the past 5 days. If you do not know the conditions of this place, I would encourage you to research it in the news, but a brief explanation that will help you understand - no electricity, no running water.

So an update. Warning: this is probably going to be a long post because I am going to try to cover 5 days worth, and days here seem so long because they are filled with so many blessings. I also might forget things and add them in at places that don't seem to fit.

So, the drive to Gulu took 6 hours, but I stayed awake the entire time because the country is so beautiful. The red dirt roads were the most beautiful contrast with the tropical greens on flocking each side of the road. Each morning when I see the red dirt, I smile because this is one thing God showed me about Uganda that I always associate the country with. I have noticed that this dirt covers everything. I am sure this is symbolic in more ways than I can think now, but the way the Lord has explained this to me so far, is that it represents His love. His love is lavished on every living thing. Every blade of grass, every tree, and every child He has formed. Just like the red Ugandan soil. There are mountains in the distance, and crossing the Nile River with its white-water rapids was the most breathtaking scene. At one point on our drive, we slowed down because there were baboons and monkeys crossing the road and we weren't allowed to drive fast. We also stopped at a town along the way to buy lunch - chapatti and goat-on-a-stick. This is me being honest Emily: goat-on-a-stick is actually SO GOOD! Mixed with the chapatti (basically a wheat tortilla) it is just wonderful. Especially since all of the meals here are carbohydrates (rice & beans, matoke, and potatoes of any kind), having some meat was just delectable.

The time in Gulu was amazing. However, God really showed me why I did not end up staying there for two months - I definitely couldn't have handled it for that long. Oh, He is SO GOOD! And even if His plans seem like they aren't going the way you want them to, there is ALWAYS a reason.

The work we did in Gulu was so physically trying, but it was such a humbling blessing. The reason we were there was to build a house for a widow. Everyone here called her jaja, which means grandmother in Luganda (the main tribal language in Kampala). She had lost her husband and three children in the war, and had decided to take in 9 orphans as her own. So we came to build her a house that is big enough for them all. The work was so hard, and my arms and back are so sore still. We had to haul bricks from one village to the next about a mile away - 1,000 bricks. We mixed cement, and dug trenches. Oh my word, all of my clothes are stained with sweat and are dyed red, the color of the clay bricks. However, our team worked so well together. When one person was tired, they rested and someone else took over their position. My rests were my favorite part of this week because this was the time we would get to play with the children in the area.

Just to help you get a little picture of one of the cultural differences here, we mzungus (white people) attract a LOT of attention from everyone. We walk through the streets of Kampala and hear people whispering, (or speaking at a louder volume) in Luganda about us. When we were in Gulu, whenever we walked outside, kids would peek out of their huts and inch closer and closer to us until we were surrounded by tons of Ugandan children. When we walked through the village, it always turned into a parade of Ugandan children and mzungus. It was so cute though because you could just look to your right and see a little girl staring at you. You could reach your hand out and she would hold your hand the entire way to wherever you were going. It is these little acts of love that have made me fall in love with these children. The language barrier is frustrating though, especially for me because of the love for language God has given me, but in these little interactions, once again words fail. However, these language barriers may even have a reason too. My words can fail at any moment, but the love that Christ has put in my heart for these kids will never fade and will never be wrong.

Hmm, there are so many other things that are going on in my head, but I can’t sort them all now. One night we listened to a neighboring jaja tell stories under the African stars; that was a blessed night. Since we are right on the equator, we saw both northern hemisphere and southern hemisphere stars. We saw the big dipper, and the settler's cross on the same night. I don't think I can describe how wonderful this country is. I also just love listening to these people's stories, and their culture. It is all so interesting to me.

Okay, back to the events of Gulu. I will first say that it gets dark at 8:00 p.m. here and with one candle providing as a light source for 26 people, this is very difficult. Also, squatty-potties are my least favorite thing. They smell so bad, that I cannot go within three feet of one without plugging my nose or I begin dry heaving. Oh, I am so thankful for toilets here in Kampala. The first day in Gulu we spent all day building, it was so hard but the kids were precious. The second day we continued building in the morning, and then we visited the Invisible Children offices after lunch. It was so interesting to hear everything they are accomplishing here in Gulu with the funds they are raising in the U.S. The third day we continued to build, and a group of us decided to clean up their well. Now, when I say well, erase the picture that first comes to your mind. Their well is a stagnant stream FILLED with dirt. We had to "slash" grass with blunt tools, and hoe the dirt and plants out of the stream to allow for a slow trickle to begin flowing on about a 4-foot stretch of this stream. Not only this, but the women walk MILES just to get to this dirty stream. Then they fill their jerry cans with the dirty water, pick it up and carry it on their heads back uphill and miles back to their homes. I simply cannot imagine this sort of life. We also learned on this day, that these villages are in a lot of trouble because many of them are people who have been released from the IDP camps. These people have been doing nothing for 22 years of their lives. In the camps, they simply sat around everyday and waited for NGOs to provide them with their every need. So now, many do not want to pick up a life again where they are forced to farm their food in the immense heat, and walk miles to get their water. They want to wait for someone to give it to them, though there is no one. This is why many of the children watch us drink our water bottles, and beg us for the empty plastic, or even for a little sip. It is heartbreaking.

The fourth day we went to an orphanage in the morning, where we played soccer and volleyball with the kids, put on a skit and told a short message. Our time there was short, so I do not have much to say. After lunch, we visited a secondary school. The British colonized Uganda, so everything here follows the British model of life. Their outlets are the same as in England; under their African accents it is all British, and their schooling system is modeled off of the English. So when I say secondary school, this is the equivalent of high school. This day was so fun. We danced and sang worship songs with them and then one of the team members told another short message. I wish I had videotaped this experience because I am at a loss for words. Just the way Ugandans interact is so awesome to me. They are friendly from the first second they meet you, and are so loud and touchy! When I first learned that this culture is touchy, I had to laugh a little at His perfect planning because this is one of the love languages God has given me. He has made me love physical touch, and this is the way I like to give and receive love. In the culture here, if a friend of yours doesn't touch you at all in a day, (when I say touch I mean, lean on you, hug you, hold your hand, put their arm around you, etc.) you should ask them if they are mad at you. There are no physical boundaries, and it is just so great! After we did these things in the classroom, we played a little volleyball and I met a beautiful girl named Heaven who asked for my phone number. I am sad that I could not give it to her. The fifth day we went to Kampala Pentecostal Church in Gulu in the morning, and it was so fun. Oh, words cannot describe everything I am experiencing here. The ride back to Kampala was so crazy. Well, every car ride is crazy simply because of how many people we stuff into a 14-person van, and the bumpiness of the roads that cause us to bounce all over the place. But we once again stopped for some goat on the way home, and got harassed by some guys selling LIVE chickens. One of the Ugandans almost bought one, but we refused to ride in the car all that way with a live chicken. We also played truth or dare with the Ugandans, which was absolutely hilarious.

The team is also wonderful. I already feel at home with the Ugandans. I told them that I feel that I may be called to live and work here someday, and I have been told I already have a home to stay in when I do come back.

Okay, I know there is much I have left out, but I will end with my favorite moment of the week. The day I met Yella. It was the second day, and I was feeling a little queasy so I sat out of working on the house for a little bit. Of course, there were about 15 little children; a few with babies on their backs, watching us work. The initial response when I sat down was that I tickled their bellies. The laughter and amusement they get out of this simple gesture is so amazing. Then, she caught my eye. She had the most beautiful face, and all she wore was a plaid skirt. She looked at me, trying to decide if she wanted to come closer, and I was captivated. I reached over towards her and tickled her belly and she smiled so big and came running over to me and stood at my knees. I put my hands out for her to hold and she quickly placed her little hands in mine and proceeded to trace the lines on my palms. I smiled at her and she smiled shyly back. I took my hands away so I could open my arms to ask if I could hold her. She jumped into my lap. The other kids were getting a little jealous, so they began to tickle me. Each time I would turn my head away from Yella, she would fling her little arms around my neck, forcing me to hold her closer. I could have stared into her perfect face all day. I watched her and my heart slowly filled with love for her as she touched my foreign white skin, circled the moles and freckles on my arms, touched my hair, stroked my cheeks and lips, giggling when I kissed her finger as she placed it on my lips. When she was done investigating, she smiled at me, and when I returned the gesture she clung closer. She began to speak Acholi, her tribal language and the only language she knew. Oh, I'm not sure anyone will understand how my heart broke to not be able to understand the things she was saying. I began to pray that God would allow us to communicate effectively somehow. This was when she noticed my cross necklace. She picked it up and traced it with her fingers. She spoke some quiet Acholi, and I whispered a word I knew she would know. "Yesu Christo." Her smile was so bright when I said this, and she shook her head yes. She continued to analyze this cross for a while. Then she looked back up at me and took her little hand and made the sign of the cross on my body. My eyes filled with tears of joy at this answered prayer as I made the same gesture on her little body. Quite literally, she blessed me and I blessed her. At that moment, I knew that she is so close to Him. He is her best friend, provider, and Abba Father. She is so desperate for Him, and in that desperation, He has drawn close to her. This reminds me of the warped ways of this world. In His eyes, it is her who is rich and me who is poor. I did not see her the rest of the week until the last day. We had piled into the car, and I searched the sea of faces for the last time, hoping to see her. They were watching us all getting in the van preparing to leave when I recognized her eyes. I smiled at her and waved for her to come close. She ran to the side of the car and reached for my hand. We smiled at each other and held hands until the car was started. I pray I will be able to see her again and that I will recognize her. I am filled with sadness at the thought that I will never be able to see her, but at the same time that moment will be in my heart and mind forever as one of the most blessed times of my life.

That will be it for now. I know that I have left out much, and I am sorry to have done so, but as the Lord is teaching me, our human words are so small and inefficient in comparison to the way He has chosen to communicate with us, to our hearts. I pray that you are all blessed by these stories, and that you do not get sick of my rambling. Tomorrow I begin my first day doing work in the projects in Kampala, I want to ask you to pray for God to give me confidence in His Spirit as I am thrown into a new environment and situation and that He will continue to bless me. I know that I am so unworthy of His blessings, and that He has already given me enough to last me a lifetime, but I also know that our God is a God of excess. Everything He has created is absolutely lavished with His love and that He loves to bless us. So I will gladly and humbly take these blessings in His perfect timing. I love you all, and once again, I am sorry if these posts end up to be few and far-between, please be patient with me. The Internet is very slow here, and I am lucky if I can sign on.
In His Love,
Emily

20 hours and counting...

It still hasn't hit me yet.

~

I can't even wrap my head around the idea that tomorrow I will be there.

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The place of my dreams will be my home.

~

Well friends, I guess this is the first post of my literal "journey." So far, I have only spoken of the preparations for this trip, and the path that has led me here. Which, now that I look back at them, it makes me laugh to see how intimately planned and unsuspected they were. A year ago today, I was preparing for SpringHill, the 3 weeks that changed my life around. I would NEVER have guessed that within that short time God would lead me here. Africa. Uganda. Gulu. Kampala. Children even. Can you imagine?! A year ago today, I could not STAND being around kids! Now, I am fascinated by them. I look at babies in restaurants and imagine myself years from now (yes Mom & Dad, years...im not ready for this too soon) with a round belly and a little baby bouncing on my knee. I dream of a life in a country where time doesn't matter. Where the days pass, and we take what comes minute by minute, moment by moment. We don't try and spend our moments planning out our weeks. (Why I'm using the plural tense, I'm not sure, but it seems to fit.) I have this image in my mind of me standing outside a beautifully worn clay building, my orphanage. Watching my hundreds of little orphaned children running and playing. I look down at my round pregnant belly and dream of my own child soon to come into the world, and am reminded of how blessed I am. In this image, I never worry what comes next. I never worry where I got the money, where I will get the money, if I will be a good parent, if I'm doing it "right," how I will manage if something terrible happens. I am just there. If someone would have told me a year ago today, that this was my dream and this is what I would be doing a year later, I would have laughed in their face. Now, I can't think of anything else I would rather want.

~

As I continue with my last minute packing & preparations, I wonder if I will ever learn to live in the present moment. Does anyone ever "get" to the level of mental maturity to be able to live out that discipline? My mind races from one dream to another of things I would like to do, people & places I would like to see, things I would like to see God do. Each time my mind veers off it's focus, I try to bring it back to this moment, this day and the blessings that have been a part of it. But I'm not sure if this is even the "best" thing to do. I've been trying to have as little expectations for this trip as possible, because I would like to be able to take whatever He sends my way without questioning or doubting. But I am a dreamer. That is one of the gifts He has given me. My mind creates these dazzling images, and incredible dreams, that it is so hard for me not to expect anything because I have now spent months dreaming and wondering. I am torn between embracing my gift and letting it fly, and just "being."

~

Well, just an overview of the last minute things that happened today. I am (almost) fully packed, and am confirming my flight as we speak. I just returned home from a going-away party my Mema threw for me with some friends and family members, and it was lovely just to sit and eat a home-cooked meal and talk on my last night in the States. I also got to speak with one of the ladies at Empower-A-Child via skype this morning, which was very exciting! It is so amazing that technology is allowing us to verbally speak to one another on completely opposite sides of the globe! She asked me which places I am most looking forward to seeing, and I told her the orphanage and Gulu. My dream of my own orphanage is what propels me to want to spend as much time as possible there, as well as other dreams that He has blessed me with which I will mention in detail later when He delivers. My heart is also drawn to Gulu simply because that was the first place I had ever even heard of in Uganda from the Invisible Children documentary. (By the way, if any of you want to do some catching up on how I got involved in this, and why I am drawn to Uganda, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTyOL4waE0Q. This is the documentary that propelled my passion 4 years ago. It is in 12 parts on youtube, so after part 1, you can click on part 2 listed on the right-hand side of the screen, etc. It will change you, guaranteed.) Back to my chat with this wonderful woman, when I told her these things, she informed me that I might be able to go to Gulu as soon as Wednesday, because there is a group of people who are already there and are leaving for Gulu on Wednesday. Wow. For starters, this already exceeds my expectations, which is another reason why I want to keep an open mind. I guess we will see what He has in store.

~

Yes, we will see.

Provision, David, Fellowship, Prayer, Revolution.

Well, let's just say that the title of this post pretty much sums up the last couple weeks.

1.  Provision.

I have witnessed the most amazing act of provision last Saturday.  While I was on Spring Break last week, my family decided to go to the Saturday night service at my church so that we didn't have to wake up early on Sunday, and so I could focus on packing and getting ready to come back to Hope.  Pastor Jon was there, and he had us greet each other before the service started.  If we're going to be honest here, I haven't always felt the most welcome at this church, and I know it's my own fault.  I made some mistakes in my past that caused me to gain a bad reputation with some of the members, and sometimes when one doesn't know another person's whole story it's easy for whatever they do know to be the only image one takes notice of.  (hopefully that made sense?)  However, I had never felt more welcome at my church than last Saturday.  These people had hardly seen or heard about me, didn't really know about my past, and were so friendly, a term I'm not sure if I would associate with some other people I have known there.  Pastor Jon preached an awesome sermon, and I laughed as my brother made some funny comments.  He whispered to me, "Geez, I could never talk as long as Pastor Jon does!"  So I whispered back, "You know, that's not Pastor Jon talking, that's God talking through him."  His witty response was, "Well, then I could NEVER talk as long as God talks."  Then at the end of the service, Pastor Jon called me up to the front of the church to tell my story and my mission for this summer in Uganda, since I had never spoke at the Saturday night service before.  I told them a brief description, and that I needed $700 more to be able to go for two months.  After the service officially ended, I began to walk out of the sanctuary and was stopped by so so many of the attendees, who in turn handed me as much money as they could afford.  

I walked into that service expecting nothing, and walked out with enough money to fully cover the two months I will be spending in Uganda this summer.  

I had been asking so many people to pray for me for God's provision, but for some reason I never prayed for it myself.  I felt like it was a scam to ask God for money, because I knew that He would provide.  But that week and the week before, I broke down before the Lord and presented my requests to Him.  I think He just wanted to see me desperate, and for me to ask Him to step in and provide, admitting that I couldn't do it on my own.  There is still a little bit of money here and there that I need, but for the most part I have all that I need.  I got vaccinated while I was home, and shopped for some long dresses to cover my knees, and hiking sandals, and it's finally sinking in.  I.  Will.  Be.  Going.  To.  Uganda.  THIS.  Summer.  Wow.

2.  David.

I have recently wondered why God wants me going so badly to Uganda.  I know He has given me a heart for they country and the people of that country, but why now?  I know that I'm inadequate for this.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was at SpringHill this summer, fully accepting Christ into my heart.  I don't know anything.  I haven't read the entire Bible.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to say when a 7-year old orphan asks me who Jesus is.  I am just discovering and learning how my relationship with Jesus works, how the heck am I going to explain that to these kids?  A memory comes back to me of a blissful night spent with my Small Group Bible Study where we all shared our testimonies.  I also remember one of the first nights I spent learning about our Jesus with this amazing group of women.  That night, I said that I felt God preparing me, I think this is still true now.  This whole year has been filled with little lessons that I know God needs me to know, but why I need to know them is still a mystery.  I don't remember how this idea came into my head on our testimony night, but as I was telling my own story of how my Jesus grabbed my hand and refused to let me go, I remembered what I had said before about preparation.  I repeated this truth, and added that I didn't know what it was for, but I knew I was being prepared.  Again, I don't know how this came up, but someone must have talked about being a vessel, where they had been completely taken out of a particular situation and how God had filled them and worked through them in that moment.  The reality of my security in Jesus hit me so hard.  If I know nothing, if I am absolutely inadequate on my own, and recognize this weakness, this is exactly where God wants me.  He wants me to recognize that only through Him can I do amazing works for His Kingdom.  And if I recognize that it is not me who is strong enough, and has the most knowledge, and knows the right words to say when, but that it's God working through me.  When I recognize it's not my own success, but the Lord's, He gets the glory.  Which is all He wants.  He wants us to be meek, a term I used to describe my faith in the past as a shameful term, and now I take pride in it.  A term that means gentle, kind, obedient, and submissive, all of which are definitions that are looked down on by the world, but blessed by the Lord.  

Now, none of this has explained the David reference.  A friend of mine sent me a testimony a while ago that he had heard before and said was incredible and wanted to share it with a few of his friends.  I saved it, but didn't listen to it for a while.  (It had a lot of tracks and that kind of deterred me.)  But the other day, I was by myself, not wanting to do my homework, and I decided to listen to it while making my bed.  This woman's story touched my heart in ways unexplainable, and twice I broke down in tears because I knew that God was using this woman's story to speak straight into my fears and concerns about this summer.  Here is the website if you would like to check it out, because I cannot explain the whole thing in words.  (http://www.plumblineministries.com/surrendered_to_love__testimony_of_jennifer_miller)  However, one of the parts that really spoke to me was when she described a time in her life when she was called by God to go to Kenya.  At this time God also asked her to betroth herself to Him, a task that was hard for her because she desperately wanted to get married.  I have to admit, I do not want to get married yet, but I know that going into this trip I was definitely looking forward to meeting nice Christian men who share my passion for the children of Uganda, and was also looking forward to a possible relationship resulting from this.  She explained that God told her that the three years He had called her to in Kenya were going to be the loneliest times of her life.  That the only thing that would be familiar to her was Him, but that she must betroth herself to Him so that she can remain focused and continue to do His will.  I knew this was God speaking to me too.  I am going into this knowing no one and never having been on a real missions trip.  I know this trip is going to be lonely, but God is calling me to betroth myself to Him during this time so that I can draw so incredibly close to Him and be intensely aware of His presence and the "nudgings" of His Spirit.  

The second part that I felt God speaking to me, was when she announced the entire message behind her testimony.  She said that she had gone into Kenya, not knowing what to expect, and finding a hell she could not have imagined.  She was faced with tasks so much larger than herself, and she knew she was inadequate to solve them.  She began to question why God was asking her to be there.  This is something I have been wondering too.  I know I am inadequate, and it's weird for me to see other people so confident in the fact that I need to go this summer, when I myself am wondering why this is all working out.  I am grateful and excited for it, but I'm not sure why it is me that God wants to be there.  In her testimony, when she asked God these questions, God replied, "Jennifer, do you not believe that I am a God who still uses Davids to defeat Goliaths?  You are absolutely right, you by yourself are inadequate to do this.  But with me, I can defeat this through you."  For two months of my summer, I will be David.  Completely inadequate, but through the strength of the Lord, He will defeat Goliath.  

3.  Fellowship.

Oh how I have loved being back at Hope.  Being at home was nice, and I felt like I got a lot done there, but here I have a different sense of accomplishment.  I truly feel like I do what God wants me to do every day.  I love sitting in the chapel, watching this Hope community I have the privilege to be a part of, worshipping our Jesus, and it fills me with so much joy.  I have been lavished with incredible fellowship, and I am so happy to be back.  It has been a little hard because a lot of my friends went to awesome places in the world.  I am so happy for them and am blessed by their stories of what God was teaching them through their trips, but many of them have been almost depressed because they just want to be back there.  Which, I'm sure I will be experiencing coming back from Uganda, but it's really hard to be so excited about being back at Hope, when so much of my fellowship is just...not.

4.  Prayer.

God has been answering a lot of prayers.  (As seen in all the things above.)  He has also taught me that He wants me to spend a lot of time in prayer.  A while ago, God called me to be His prayer warrior, and pray for those people He lays on my heart, and I kept it up for a while, but I have since drifted a little, and I am feeling a tug on my heart to come back.  One answered prayer has surprised me a lot however.  There is someone I have felt God laying so heavy on my heart that at one point I could only think about how to talk to her, because I knew I needed to.  We have since began meeting regularly and God has just continually blessed our time together.  I am eager to see how He continues working in this relationship.

5.  Revolution.

Invisible Children is back as an active part of my life.  They are hosting a world wide event called The Rescue on April 25th, and one of the locations is in downtown Grand Rapids.  I recently organized a informational meeting to get a group of Hope students interested, and 40 students came!  It was so cool!  Not only did they come, and were attentive through all the video clips, but they were all so eager to get involved, sign-up, and spread the word.  I am excited to see how Hope responds to the mass participation in this protest event, and even more excited to be a part of it because I think it is going to be one of their best events thus far.  If you want more info you should check out the events webpage.  (http://therescue.invisiblechildren.com) This generation is going through a Love revolution, and I am so excited to be a part of it.

One other thing I left out, the dramatic restoration I was expecting from God did not exactly happen.  However, prayers were still answered, as the prayers that I asked from people were for courage and boldness.  A conversation confronting the issue was initiated between me and this person, but it wasn't conclusive, and this process definitely isn't over.  However, I am realizing that I might not ever hear the conclusion for myself, but I know that if I stay attentive and obedient to the will of the Spirit, that God will work through that no matter what.  

Psalm 16:11 "You have made known to me the path of life, you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."  Me and a friend studied this verse one day this week, and God spoke through it so much and I really want to share it.  At first glance I read the beginning phrase and thought, "okay, God's made His will known to me, great."  But then I realized that was a total lie, God has not revealed to me His will for my life, maybe for the day that just happened, the conversation I'm about to have, the things that are coming up that I need to see, but He definitely hasn't shown me His will for my life.  Then, I rearranged the wording of this beginning phrase, and began to say it in accordance with the rest of the verse.  "You have made known to me how I am to live, you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."  Awesome.

I love you all.

Mukama Asiimwe.